R E S P E C T
As Aretha says…find out what it means to me! A few days ago one of our girls asked to borrow the sweater she got me for Christmas. She’s trying to branch out, wear things more dressy to school which for this daughter is a nice step. She was always the one perfectly happy with jeans and a big old floppy T shirt. So I said yes…she wore it…there we go. It dawned on me I hadn’t seen it again and I want to wear it to work tomorrow. To keep their little brother out of their rooms I had shut the girls bedroom doors but we got a severe winter storm through here on Tuesday so I cracked the doors a little because if I don’t, the girl’s rooms get really cold. Something wadded up in her floor caught my eye. Not that something was wadded up in her floor was at all unusual…ahem….but it looked like it might be my sweater. So I did it..I went in, picked it up and yep…my sweater. So I text my daughter and asked her what happened to my sweater she borrowed. I thought maybe for a second she had one that looked like mine and maybe had worn mine to her Mothers. Alas she said I think it’s in my room…. So you can imagine how the rest of the conversation played out. Needless to say guess what my answer will be next time she asks if she can borrow something? So this got me to thinking about respect….respect in general and why some people have it and some people don’t. So I write this post.
As the mother of a small child, I have come to think about…when is it exactly that a child learns what respect feels like. What is it that we do or don’t do that spurs that on or doesn’t. I know with our boy, we get on it right as the attitude comes out of his mouth. Currently working on not interrupting…we don’t put up with back talk…tantrums…not listening and not minding. Not that he doesn’t do all those things…sure he does…but he pays a price for it. When I met the older kids…especially the girls…I remember stepping in and getting on to them for interrupting their Dad and I when we were talking…they were 10. My then new boufrind (later husband) would say to me…they’re just kids…and I would say to him..yes and they should already know better than to do that. Ultimately they got it. I have written in earlier posts about the kid’s disrespectful attitudes toward their parents at times, toward me at times and now toward their Mother’s SO at times. Our kids aren’t unique but I also think that saying it’s entirely generational is an over generalization, inaccurate and a cop out. Saying that allows us not to feel partially responsible for this condition some kid’s seems to suffer from. I do think there is a generational “it’s all about me” component to it all but I also think its learned or at the very least subconsciously encouraged by tolerance of it.
I used to wonder if this started really with lack of self respect. Maybe to some degree it does. However speaking for my girls and many young people I have dealings with, I’d say they have a pretty healthy dose of “I like me most of all” going on, so I don’t know.
I think about my parents and how I was and am toward them. My Dad died a few years ago. When I was growing up it really meant a lot to me that I had his approval and as a grown up I felt the same. I tried very hard not to bring shame on myself or our name. I was taught that. I remember being told that in the end, all I really summed up to was my reputation and my word. My parents’ feelings and their reputations meant something to me and were always an element as I made my way through my teens and young adult years making more and more of my own decisions. Our home meant something to me. Helping take care of the daily needs of the family is just what we did, I wasn’t paid for it…I just was a member of the family and pulled my weight. I was taught that. My baby brother was important to me …..that was all me…he was my brother and I took care of him. He needed me to and he looked up to me, I’ll bet though that had I acted otherwise it would have been met with firm parental disappointment and therefore correction. I borrowed stuff, clothes from my Mom, cars, it never would have occurred to me to treat those things with disrespect.
Swinging back to my kids…I feel like every day when I come home past 6pm from having worked all day and I walk into a mess and 18 year old “kids” who make messes then wait for me to come home to clean it all up and start dinner, that it isn’t a show of respect. I feel like my husband has spent their entire lives making sure they had everything they wanted and everything he didn’t have…and every time they disinclude him from an important decision…or speak to him with that smart alecky tone they get sometimes and that I unfortunately have heard so many times, they are showing complete disrespect for him. I feel that they don’t really respect the home we provide for them because the only time they help take care of it is pretty much either when they want something…or because they are told to. I feel that having to be forced to remember to thank people for the gifts they give you is a sign of disrespect. My husband thinks I’m a southern throw back to an era gone by….I am left wondering though…..when do they get it….how do some kids get it and some kids not? Those who don’t get it, I believe will have trouble in personal relationships, in their careers, and ultimately will have trouble teaching it to their own children so in turn they will probably be disrespected.
I continue to try to rub off on my older kids and certainly together with my husband steer our boy into being a respectful sort. I hope when it’s all said and done that my older kids appreciate what I try to teach them in this regard because I surely do care that they grasp what respect means…what it feels like to give it…and then what it feels like to receive it.
Lessons learned
This stuff isn’t inherent I don’t think. I do think it’s learned, and I think respect is learned through observation and consistent reinforcement.
It’s hard to teach a respectful attitude when you don’t have that many people in your own life you actually do respect.
You should never give up trying to teach your kids important life lessons. Heck I’m still at it and our older kids are 18 and 22. They know they are still going to hear it from me if I feel they need to. What kind of parent would I be if I just said oh well that’s just how they are.
Respect and the lack of it show up in many ways..subtle some, other not so subtle. Nip it, nip it nip it and don’t tolerate it. One of the biggest favors we can do for our kids is to show them how to be. I think at the end of the day most of us look back at our parents and see them for the human beings they were…faults, good qualities…but I think the lessons we try to teach our kids for the most part sink in….it’s not if…I believe it’s a matter of when. I hope to be around long enough to find out if I’m right…even with little man.
GoodvStepmom
