I had a German Shepard dog named Sophie and yesterday we had to have her put to sleep. She made it almost 12 years. She had developed long term chronic kidney disease and ultimately they failed. She became unable to eat, wobbly and weak. It was help her or watch her literally starve to death. She deserved better, much better than to have to go out that way. For her, our choice was the right thing to do. For me, it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make and one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I loved her, we all did; she brought more to us than we probably ever did to her. Sophie’s life was a lesson in tolerance and unconditional love.
Sophie was a beautiful, regal and elegant dog with a heart as big as the ocean, a beautiful gate when she ran and in her prime, could heard a ball or four balls..like nobody’s business! All Sophie ever wanted out of life was to be with me and those she loved. How often can you actually say that about another being? That alone was pretty cool.
Please indulge me as I tell Sophie’s story. Hers does eventually weave into the story of my new second family so bear with me.
My late husband and I waited 8 years after the death of our little dog Dynamo before we even thought about getting another dog. Unfortunately, Dynamo had a violent heart attack on Columbus Day that year. She was in pain, she was scared, we rushed her to the Vet where she died in the midst of chaos and it was horrible. After several years went by, my late husband began to talk about wanting another German Shepard dog because he had grown up with one they called Jill. I had heard many a story about her and was open to it, though I had never been in charge of a big dog nor of a dog with a pedigree. I bought some books and studied up. My take away was beautiful dog, good reputation for families, smart, needs to work, easily bored, mischievous when bored, brave, loyal and sheds like crazy. That description was spot on by the way.
I began to research breeders in our area and stumbled upon a White German Shepard breeder in Abilene Kansas. It seemed that to keep her white blood line strong, she would occasionally introduce the standard Shepard back into the mix. As a bi-product of that process she would get colors other than the pure white dogs she was actually after…so we struck up with her. We had visited a couple of private homes and the puppies were cute…we just weren’t impressed with the people. We made arrangements to visit this gal’s operation. And it was quite the operation indeed! She’s since gotten out of the business unfortunately, but she ran a professional breeding business from an old retired greyhound ranch she had purchased. She liked visitors because her theory was if folks would come sit with the pups and rub their tummies, play with them and help socialize them, it was better for her pups and made them more easily adoptable. We talked to her about what kind of dog we wanted. Had to be a female, had to be black and silver tan…no other dog would do. What she would do is hear you out about what you wanted and try to match you to a pup. For us, we just wanted a good family friend. Others were after work dogs, helper dogs etc. When the pups were a few weeks old, she would put them through a battery of temperament tests and adopt accordingly. Just after Thanksgiving in 2001 we received a phone call. I remember the lady saying…I think I may have your dog. So the next weekend we could, we drove back out there and when we arrived we were lead to a stall in the barn where the mother and her litter were gathered. The pups were drinking from a pan of milk and my late husband pulled up a bale of hay. We had already picked a name for her. So he calls out Sophie! And do you know out from this pack of pups walks this one single pup. She sat front and center. We knew and she knew, she was our dog. We stayed and played for a while then headed home. We came up twice more before we got to take her home. That day we went to pick her up, it was cold and had begun to snow. On that pick-up day all pups of that litter were picked up. She had a sister go to Europe to be a rescue dog and a brother or sister who went to New York city to be a police officer. Sophie came to live with us. I’ll never forget her screaming all the way home (some 125 miles) and my late husband mouthing to me he was sorry after shoving her inside his coat to try to calm her down. My knuckles had turned white as I grabbed the steering wheel and just tried to get us home as fast as I could. We stopped in the dark and blowing snow to see if she needed to go potty. She did and I looked down at her thinking how little and defenseless she was against these elements. I had no idea at the time of course that this would be the last road trip the three of us would ever make together. I had taken time off work, my husband had been in ill health for a couple of years so wasn’t working and that little girl screamed and cried for two days solid. All of a sudden though, she just quit and looked at us as if to say…ok…I guess I’ll stay with you two a while. We got to know each other and played together for eight weeks before my late husband passed away. He was 42. He was so proud to have her, the pup he’d waited for. Then it was she and I alone, suddenly. I left her with good friends while I took care of things, then thank God I had her to come back to and focus on caring for.
Over the course of the next few months and then years, we grew together and took care of each other. We went through obedience school together. We went on walks, played ball, went to the off leash park, went traveling together on many road trips, we went antiquing and shopping. We got lost together, we got found together. We spent a lot of time outside gardening and sitting together enjoying the fresh air.
Sophie had a quirky personality. She was scared of storms and we spent several times hunkered down together waiting a storm out. She could predict them. As I said, loved balls…all balls..any balls..a little OCD with them really. She didn’t like to walk on wet grass. She talked to things that perplexed her…like big concrete statues or odd sounds. To a small handful of songs, she would reliably sing. I’m not talking a little bit, I’m talking sing big and long and with enunciation, like she was singing words. She was a tad claustrophobic and she didn’t like to be held or restrained. She had been known to pass out when she got too upset (like when we moved). She didn’t like clothes on herself or any stuffed animal, when given one, first thing she’d do is rip its clothes off, then she was fine with it. She could open doors and let herself in and out whenever she wanted to. If you wanted her not to do that you had to lock it. If you were outside, especially recreating and you tried to leave her inside, she would practically chew through the wall or door to get to you. Like I said earlier, all she wanted to do was be with us.
We had funny things happen. She caught a bee in the throat and I helped her with that. I locked her in my car…she forgave me for that. Busting balls and then being scared of that sound….she jumped in the ocean and sank off the back of my uncles boat. She drank sea water and had an upset tummy all night. I helped her through that. She chewed the bottom of my Dad’s bathroom door off when she was closed in there, accidentally turned the light off on herself and got scared. She nipped at flies that tried to bite me as I worked in the garden. She put up with me when I was seeing a guy everyone knew wasn’t good for me…and I wasn’t as attentive as I should have been with her in those days…she forgave me that and loved me anyway. She loved to play in the snow….she did so many funny things….we had some good times her and me.
We had a pretty severe medical crisis back when she was about 3. My main challenge with Sophie back then was two fold. One, I worked all day and she got bored. She escaped every containment system known to man until ultimately after a carpet munching episode upon her escape one day…I decided we needed doggy day care. Once she started going there, at a little added expense and drive time for me…she loved it there and we had that part figured out. Then her challenges became medical. Turns out she had severe food allergies. I almost lost her to intestinal disorder a time or two. After my taxes, bonus money and a chunck of my savings later…she got better and onto a dog food that was a gagillion dollars a bag, but I had my girl. A guy I knew at the time saw the invoice laying in my kitchen and made the comment that if she had been his dog she’d be gone. Well I thought, lucky for her she’s not yours! But so too began her medical troubles I’m afraid.
After about five years by ourselves, I met my current husband and the children. Sophie had always liked who I liked, so we had a short list of good friends. She immediately liked my new boyfriend too though. She didn’t remember having a man around the house before. She liked it. She liked the attention he gave her and I think it broke up her monotony. Soon after she was introduced to the children. I remember her kind of going for them, not aggressively just checking them out and one of the girls ran and screamed and jumped up on the sofa to get away from her. She did sort of look wolf like. I thought it was funny. Sophie just was confused by the little girl’s reaction. Over several months we spent time at their house with their three dogs and 2 cats. Most of the time though they spent time at our house. The cats and Sophie never got along fully. They went in spurts. Mostly Sophie thought they were for her entertainment..you know, to chase. Sophie co existed with the other three dogs. I wouldn’t say they were best friends and played together and all that but they lived just fine together for several years. Sophie saw us through dating, into a years long engagement. After school was out and before we married, we decided to move the kids then….and since our house was the bigger house, they moved west with us. So Sophie then took the squeeze in stride as her house filled with not one, two or even three more people but four more people and 5 count them 5 other animals. Sophie never once pouted, sulked or complained. She took all I gave her though during all this there was slowly more time spent devoted to the children and a little less time for her. She was always just happy with whatever time she got.
I wouldn’t say the kids were demonstrably affectionate with Sophie over the years, but they loved her and I hope she knew that.
Just when I’m sure Sophie thought her life couldn’t possibly get more complicated, at the age of 48 I became pregnant with our first child together. Sophie saw me through my pregnancy…then as our new baby came into the world. She was curious and vigilant. If this latest addition didn’t push her over the edge I figured, nothing would. I had an idea she would be good with children before I ever had any. She would see kids playing, back when it was just the two of us , and just whine and cry to get loose to play with them. At the off leash park she’d “rent a boy” I called it and play and chase ball with someone’s kid till she and I went home. Once my wonderful yard guy had come by with his new little family as he blew snow from my entryway. His new baby was just walking and started for the stairs. Sophie jumped up and literally put herself between that child and those stairs. It was pretty amazing. Too, I had a young couple living next door to me when Sophie was a baby and we became acquainted. They had a little terrier who became Sophie’s best bud. They also had two severely handicapped little girls. That gal would ask if Sophie could come over to play (not me, just Sophie) and she would take those little girls out in the fresh air and Sophie at what, 3 or 4 months of age, would just splay out in front of those children…ever vigilant. It was neat to observe. So when children came into our lives, though they may not have been as active with her as she would have liked, I wasn’t really surprised at her blind acceptance of them.
Our baby was born and again, Sophie accepted him from the start. Even more of my attention pulled away for her. She was extremely excited and curious. Licked that child up,and down and he loved it. I know my husband was hesitant and thought germs! I thought it was sweet and did little to,step between it.
As happens in family’s, the children get older and have activities that demand their attentions, the family pets are taken somewhat for granted. They’re always there after all, right? We had one go off to college. When he’d be home he would love on the girls but he’s not home but for breaks. Our girls are teenagers and completely self,absorbed. What can I say….dog…chair….oh wait, mirror!!!! My husband, who by the way is forbidden from ever talking about the future again…said, I’m worried Sophie is a dog who is refusing to age, but then when it happens it’s going to hit hard and fast.
Our one remaining Golden and Sophie, the only ones left…actually as old broads, bonded and even played at times. It was cute, they enjoyed each other in that way as our baby boy grew…and for the past two years they have had each other and done well. Our golden, 5 years younger than Sophie, began to act lethargic. She was heavy, had always been inexplicably heavy set, but we knew there was something the matter. She was diagnosed with cancer of the spleen, it ruptured and she painlessly and over the course of 2 weeks internally bled out and died one morning at home. Our vet told us we could have put her to sleep, but that she wasnt in pain, just weak. She rallied there for a few good days…we saw no harm in letting nature take her when it was time. Always best to go at home I think. We knew the right thing to do was not to let our young boy see her that morning, but was it the right thing to do to keep Sophie from seeing her? I don’t actually know, I mean here….gone…is that fair? After my husband took our Golden to the vet to be cremated, we watched Sophie walk every square inch of this house and yard looking for her friend. She audibly cried and whimpered. It was so sad. Her health then begun to spiral. She began to get sick. She lost weight, she ate but nothing stayed down. We got more meds, put food through the grinder, fed her by hand…tried everything. We gave her antacids to fight her nausea. The problem was when kidneys fail, stomach acid skyrockets and it’s just miserable. My husband took Sophie in. And they drew blood. They called and talked to me. They gave me no hope, her kidneys had completely failed and nothing they or anyone could do would bring them back. My choice. Let her starve to death, or help her over.
Sophie, even when she was so sick was full of grace. She just took it. She still had that spark, class act all the way. That last day my husband stopped everything he had going on and just sat with her out on our deck, loving on her..I had to be at work. I sat with her after I got home and in fact we all had a nice quiet night outside with her till quite late. She pulled herself up all those stairs one last time to get into her bed up in our room. I was restless all night and up early that morning, her appointment was at 10. Our vet, who has taken care of Sophie all her life, came in from going out of town on a Saturday to help us. I sat and watched the clock wind down and took a few pictures of her. She wasn’t really into it and I didn’t blame her, neither was I. As the time to go to the clinic approached, I called my baby son over and told him to give Sophie a big hug. He already knew she had been sick. I tried to explain that Mom and Dad needed to take her to the doctor and that she wouldn’t be coming home, she was going to heaven to be with our other dog, Karmen. In his little way he tried to process what I was saying and hugged her and cried. Our daughters happened to be home and right there..they loved on her too. So we put her leash on and started out the door. Our son insisted on walking her out to the van so his sisters brought him along. We put her in the back and he gave her a final hug as I climbed in the back with her…NO, he cried, I don’t want Sophie to go to heaven I want her to stay here at home. It tore our hearts out. We pulled out of the driveway and she was restless too, she didn’t want to lay down even though it would have been safer. She wanted to look out the window so dang it I held onto her and we looked out that window. She took one last look at her house and the kids were all standing out in the driveway. She watched as we went up her street. Then as the familiar turned into the unfamiliar she sort or lost interest and laid down. The ride was entirely too short. We took our time walking in as she sniffed the bushes and sniffed the air. We walked in greeted by a somber vet tech crew. We were lead into the exam room with the cushion on the floor and we waited a minute or so. In came a vet that had seen us a time or two. She had paperwork, loved on Sophie and expressed her sympathy. In a few more minutes in walked our doctor. Casually dressed and not in a lab coat, he entered somber too, hugged me and sat in the floor with Sophie and me. She had gotten sick again while we waited…poor girl. Our doctor spent some time with us, talking about memories and how remarkable she was that with all her health problems she still made it to almost 12 years old. He said heck 12 is something to shoot for in a Shepard with no health problems. He went over again the clinical reasons they couldn’t help her recover from this disease. He said she seemed to always remain positive and just took what life gave her and persevered. He said she had a great life and a loving family and that she was one of the most remarkable dogs he’d ever had the pleasure of caring for. He said she was an ambassador for everything that was good about her breed. I asked one more time, it’s the right thing to do, right? He said to me Christy, for her right now, in this circumstance, you are absolutely making the right decision today. It gave me some peace I guess.
She had to be made to lay down. My poor husband had to help do that. She didn’t like the looks of the set up right then, not one little bit. Our vet said do not be fooled by that spark you see…it will distract you from helping her. After a time he asked if we were ready or if we needed more time or to be alone with her. I said no…I didn’t want to drag it out for her though I could have sat there with her for a real long time. My husband was holding her, I took her head in my hands as she looked nervously around the room not knowing what was coming…I told her how much I loved her and what a good girl she was…I just got right up close and kept repeating to her just look at me, just look at me, just look at me…and she did. As my face was the last thing she saw, she slipped away very quickly, very gently and very quietly. We all sat there with her for a while, still petting her and talking about what a good and pretty girl she was. We all hugged each other and our vet thanked us for letting him be a part of her life. He gently removed her collar and handed it to me. We left the building as the crew all looked on in silence. It was done, and Sophie was gone. It was a very quiet rest of the day at home….each in our own thoughts I guess. I did what I do when I’m upset. I couldn’t look at the dog bowls and dog beds and toys, so I cleaned them and stored them away. We had a really clean house by evening.
Our girls did what they could. They cleaned up for themselves a little more, gave me a big hug, helped a little more with their baby brother. That night our little son was crying as he tried to go to sleep. I went up to talk to him and he said Mom…Sophie could get sick in Heaven too. I said no, you know what’s neat that I’ve heard about heaven? No one ever gets sick and everybody is happy all the time there, every day. That seemed to make him feel better. As we lay trying to go to sleep my husband silently reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. Our son got up and uncharacteristically hopped in bed with us a few hours later which meant Mama was pretty much done sleeping. I was so wrung out, I went in his bed and fell back asleep. In the small hours of that morning I dreamed Sophie was singing. She wasn’t singing to me necessarily, I didn’t even see her in my dream…I just heard her. It was definitely my dog. It was so vivid I sat up in bed…then I sort of just wanted not to be alone….but hearing her like that brought a smile to my face…it made me feel good. After we got up as we sat drinking coffee, I relayed my dream to my husband. I heard myself say…I think Sophie was saying I’m still here, I’m still me and hey….I feel like singing today. I think that little gal punched through…just for a brief second to leave me that thought…I’m good…..I’m always here…and I feel much better…I needed that and as usual I guess…she’s still taking care of me.
Each day since we lost Sophie, highlights a little more how quiet things are….with both girls gone…no letting the dogs out…no medications to give….no treats to hand out….no food no water to keep filled. No more getting onto them for being too close to us as we try to eat…no poop scooping. No reason for balls outside. No snuggling at our feet….no sleeping beside us and my poor husband who works from home… no companion constantly at his side as he works….no Sophie carrying a ball and constantly chirping at him as he mows the grass….come on Dad…for just a couple throws? He misses her. We all miss and loved both our girls very much…it’s just that losing Sophie as the last one, was the end of that chapter of our lives….so was particularly hard for us all.
I have had lets see….1,2,3,4…5 dogs now in my life. If you add Jeff’s three I have been the steward of 8 dogs total. I know each one taught me something and I could list it all out if I thought about it. But Sophie…it’s like she was in my life for a particular reason. I have come to believe that though you may not see it at the time, we choose our paths for a reason. The minute I found that kennel my fate with Sophie was sealed. I was being cared for through widowhood, remarriage, parenting….right there and right then, I just didn’t know it at the time. This was Sophie’s special purpose in life. I believe it’s why she came to be.
If Sophie could accept with grace her own imperfections and mine, unconditionally love all who were brought into her fold, accept everything life gave her, adapt as she needed to and take the best from every situation…I would be ashamed if I couldn’t do the same. As my new husband came to be with me and all that came with him…the children, the ex wife, all the pets, the in laws, the friends co-workers and acquaintances ….. She showed me how to do the same.
Lessons I learned from my dear friend
- When life throws you a curve ball; something devestating happens to you or you lose your way…and you think you’re not needed anymore…guess what? You’re wrong. Sophie needed me at a very crucial time for me. Look how many people count on me now. She gave me the courage not to give up…to keep going.
- Caregiving is a virtue, there’s nothing demeaning about it and only those who can do it well, should…not because they have to either but because they want to. I took care of my late husband in the final years of his life, I never thought about it…I did it because I loved him and I knew he would have done the same for me….then I had Sophie to take care of after I lost him and as much as that, Sophie took care of me. Now I take care of a whole family.
- Whatever life gives you, just accept it. And this is huge. Your health, someone else’s health, a change in your family you had no choice about…accept it. Sophie was much better at this than I have been. I will now try to do better.
- Be patient. Be patient with your kids, with each other, with your family and with your friends. Sophie loved everyone I loved. I am trying to practice that with my family members and their choices. If you love them then I will. Sophie did this so instinctively…I will try to learn from her and do better.
- Where a door closes one opens. Absolutely. Life has chapters, like a well crafted book. We should try to appreciate each one…the good, the not so good. They make us who we are…that book is the story of our life.
- Take pleasure in simple things….they are what matter anyway. She did. Throw the ball….eat a treat…sit in the sun…play in the snow…snuggle by the fire..see if someone will hold your hand….give hugs…laugh…cry.
- Hold your head up… And try to act with class…always, no matter what. She did that so naturally. I’ll try to emulate that from now on.
- What’s really important is your family. At the end of the day….that’s who you have, against all others…and though your family may be comprised of all kinds of people…some you choose, some you don’t. Love them, unconditionally and completely and practice tolerance and forgiveness with them. No one’s perfect.
- Life isn’t fair sometimes…but that doesn’t diminish how wonderful it can be. Sophie knew that somehow. I will try to appreciate mine more.
- Doing the right thing is sometimes incredibly difficult. Stay your course, hold your ground and do what you need to do. And most of the time…you know what you need to do. I pray our girl understood my decision or at least knew or felt that what we did that day, we did out of love and respect for her.
- Be strong, be loyal, be protective, be vigilant, love others, trust others. Protect those you care about.
- Life brings you twists and turns and new people and experiences. Be open to that. The outcome can be really terrific. Look what happened to me.
- Never forget the souls who move through your life. Each one had something to offer, something to teach you and something to leave you with. Remember and build from that.
- Be honest with your children and help them through hard lessons. Don’t sugar coat life, but try to explain what’s happening in terms they can process and understand ..they will trust you then, though it hurts to watch them hurt, and they are scared when you hurt…truth is better.
- It’s ok to miss someone and it’s ok to mourn….but soon as you can… go to the good and turn to your memories. It’s what they would want. I was meant to grieve my late husband yet move to the good because of this sweet girl. She saw me through his loss and later that of a boss and friend, my stepfather, a grandmother, my dad, a dear cousin…she was always there, guiding me through. Not just me, but my entire family benefited from that.
- The world was better because Sophie was in it. I’m a better person because Sophie was part of my life.
- I could go on and on, I loved my dog. I’m sure no more than many can say they loved theirs. But I will always believe that this kind, gentle, resilient, tolerant, patient and loving little soul was put on this earth specifically to show me how to conduct myself…what a blessing. I do hope I meet up with her again when it’s my time.
- Rest well pretty girl, thank you for spending your time on this earth with me, I’ll never ever forget you…I promise.
Christy
Good StepMom
