And I don’t really think in my heart that she did. But for years I have been told about things my step ex says and I marvel and wonder why in the world. Now that said, I realize my only sources of information are my husband, hardly un-biased and the kids’Mother vacillates between being the birth Mother of his children and a lady he met and married, to the wicked witch of the east (she hails from Kansas city, just east of here), and my daughters who have sort of a warped perspective and certainly an interesting interpretation of fact when it comes to telling one parent or set of parents what the other parent(s) have said. I am told something their Mother supposedly said tonight right after I walk in the door and I think either oh bull or why would she say that? Remember my earlier post on daughter’s unmotivated boyfriend? Remember me saying it was frustrating because we actually like him? Our daughter greets me this evening, first night back after being at her Moms for a week and she tells me all about her senior pictures, her hair, her outfits. Then with no real reason or provocation from me she says, guess what (insert boy’s name here) starts his new job tomorrow. Great I say. And guess what else, she says…his Grandma got him a car this weekend. Terrific I say. Then she drops it. She pauses and then says, Mom says Dad doesn’t like (boy’s name here). To which I instinctively say, oh you know that’s not true. Then as I always do, I soften it for her Mom by saying, we all like him, we just became concerned for you, that you were in a one sided relationship and he didn’t seem to have the motivation to change that. She said, what about now? I said well these are definitely steps in the right direction for him. So I figure there are three possibilities here. One, her Mother really said that. Two, our daughter just thinks that and it’s easier to put it on her Mother than to own the thought. Three, their Mother really doesn’t like him and it’s easier for her to put that on their Dad than to own the thought. Intellectually I know that the second possibility is probably right. For the sake of it though let’s take our daughter at face value and say ok her mother told her that. I am then lead to ask why the heck would she say that? Then I am taken down a memory path of things she has supposedly said according to our children or my husband and I’m left wondering. Some of my memories of things she’s supposedly said are…and I go way back.
Your Dad will never find anyone who wants to be with him.
She’s way too old to have a kid of her own
You guys just need to realize that you’re on the way out . Once that baby is born, they are in and you guys are out.
Your Dad can afford it, I cant.
You kids shouldn’t have to do things they don’t want to do.
I’m not going to help you buy christmas gifts for your Dad. The only reason he still helps you buy gifts for me is that he still loves me.
I am tired of hearing what happens at Christy’s house and I don’t want to hear it any more.
I am your Mother, she isn’t.
Seems like your Step Mother has taken things over so I’m out.
I’m sick of hearing about that kid (their little brother) enough, no more talking about him when you’re with me.
Your Father abused your older brother and he knows it. He’s lucky I didn’t call the authorities.
Your Dad is a bitter mean bully.
Your Dad thinks you have ADD, I don’t.
Your Dad doesn’t trust you at all.
Going to college isn’t all that important, I didn’t.
Your Dad is too strict, you can come over here if you need to.
Maybe I should come to their wedding, where’s my invitation?
I’ve done just as much for you as your Dad has.
This family counseling is a load of crap and it’s useless.
This is just an example of the things I pull from my memory banks…which gets more and more difficult I’ll admit. So let’s break it down.
Some of these comments were supposedly made before I was ever around, Some as their Dad and I began dating, some as we began to plan our wedding and then adding to our family. Some as we faced challenges with the kids during the years. I’ll put these in context or answer them one by one.
Guess that one obviously wasn’t true.
Again, guess that wasn’t accurate. Nice though.
Untrue, unkind and unbelievable.
This was after he lost his job, so translation would have had to be.. That I could afford to support her kids…..
Your needs needs have now become your Dad’s girlfriends responsibility.
Really? That explains a lot, really, of course kids have to do things they don’t want to do, good lord.
Hmm. That’s sad. They didn’t have any money when they were little so without her help, until I came along, on their Dad’s birthday, on Fathers day and on Christmas, they got to show up at Dads empty handed and just feel bad. Nice.
The kids had to compartmentalize their lives. With us, they could speak freely, with their Mom, I guess the other 50% of their life they had to not talk about.
I didn’t birth them but I tell you what…when I’m needed….
Sometimes I don’t do anything, your step mother does because someone has to, then I’m upset that she did.
Wow. I get it I guess , but wow.
Your Dad didn’t put up with the behaviors I did. That makes him abusive.
Your Dad has learned to stand up to me and I don’t like it.
Let me divulge something private that was just between your Dad and me, so that he looks like the bad guy. I’m with you honey. I’m the good guy.
Your Dad wasn’t born yesterday…Im not sure when I was born.
Philosophical difference. Mom has had her share of financial struggles. You’d think she would want something better for these guys. See item about not doing something they don’t want to do,
Dad has rules and consequences….I struggle with that so it’s probably easier for you over here,
That caused me to be put on the spot by three young children who honestly were then hurt when they asked me why their Mother wasn’t invited to our wedding. Thanks. Evil Step Mother before I even started. Maybe she thought she was being funny, instead she put me in a really bad position.
I’m not even going to dignify that with much of a comment. Years of receipts and scads of time this guy and I have devoted to the kids prove otherwise.
And because of that attitude and sharing that with the kids, it was a complete waste of time, effort and our money. We were the butt of her joke.
I give my Step ex credit, that most if not all of these are kids’ projections or interpretations of what she really has said through the years. I choose to believe that. Because even if taken at half capacity…let’s just say I have a hard time wrapping my head around saying these things to your children. To do so is at best immature and to me devisive, undermining and underhanded. I don’t have an ex and I don’t have a step ex family….but I know I would not do that to the other parents of my kids. Not cool.
Lessons learned
It’s a fine line isn’t it? I mean you want to believe what your children say and take what they say at face value. I would guard against it though. I see just with my three year old that stretching it starts pretty early with kids. Did you wash your hands since you just went potty? Yes……translation no…..but you want to hear yes, so yes….
I don’t think when kids do the Mom said or Dad said thing that they actually mean to lie nor do they see it as rift causing. At least in most cases, I don’t think they do. I think they just sometimes lack the maturity and the courage to be direct and say what’s on their mind. They create a buffer…an authority figure…to speak for them, then process the response they get and try to bring it on home to get the info they need.
I have been around this long enough that I know what to do. I never react with anything other than I am sure you must have misunderstood what your Mom said. Or I try to quickly figure out what kind of affirmation they are really after and figure out a way to weave that into my response. Example, Mom says you’re too old to have a baby so we shouldn’t worry. I think my answer was something like… I don’t know why my having a baby should worry you, but you know women having babies in their 40s is pretty common place now a’days.
Working with kids takes a lot of effort, but I think I understand them a whole lot better than they think I do.
Christy
Good StepMom
