As you know, I have been a part of this family for almost 8 years. I have helped raise my three Step children, one is now away at college and seems to be doing quite well. The other two are entering their senior year of high school. I believe I have earned my place in this family, both through hard work, love and commitment. About oh maybe two years ago, the kid’s Mother started a relationship with a fellow who was then her boss. To her credit, once they became close she went to another employer. He got officially divorced and they began in earnest and became a couple. They work in a neighboring city, he lived there until he decided to move in with her permanently. We actually like him. He has some years on the kid’s Mother, seems to be successful in what he does, seems to be good to and good for their Mother and treats the children well. He’s never been anything but gracious and courteous to us in social situations. Not much else you can ask of the guy. He also has afforded them a very much enhanced lifestyle than what they were used to when with their Mother before he entered the picture. That’s all good.
I was moved to write this post because I just had to put this energy somewhere and I can’t really have this conversation with anyone else so here goes. The girls seem to be very proud of this relationship their Mother is in. I’m glad. However, everything I say to them almost always elicits a one up from the other side. Let’s call him Marcia. Example. Me: “I went to a garden tour this weekend, I got a lot of cool ideas”. Girls: Marcia bought Mom flowers the other day. Me: “you guys want steak tonight, your Dad could grill”. Girls: “Marcia has a real nice gas grill like Dads and we had some fantastic chicken the other night on it, he’s a great cook”. Me: “hey you guys want to go to the beach this summer for vacation since your Mom decided that she’s taking you to New York for vacation this year? Girls: “you know Marcia decided he wants to go to the beach instead of New York so they cancelled that trip and made reservations to go to Florida, so we’re going there with them. (really appreciated that one) Me: “you know I could take you guys to the mall if you want, you are always asking to go. Girls: that’s ok Marcia took us all there, bought us all kinds of things so that’s ok. Me: I really like this roast beef. The girls: you know Marcia invented roast beef. I think you get the picture.
I sat and listened to one of our girls lament one night about how Marcia isn’t her Dad and can’t yell at her and tell her what to do. I listened to the other daughter defend him as she turned to me and said, you know, he does a lot for us and he really doesn’t have to. He helps pay the bills and buy groceries, takes us places. He’s a great guy.
I have to tell you, while I’m busy being happy for them on that side of their life, I can’t help but feel enormously under appreciated on this side. I mean for heaven’s sake. I have been helping provide for these children for many years and did so for almost two years before I married their Dad and guess what, I didn’t have to either, but I did. I dont think theybeven remember or realize that. he, on the other hand, just got here. When I listen to all this it feels that they think nothing of what I’ve done all these years. I really seriously doubt I get thrown into Marcia’s conversations like he does almost every single one of mine. I really really bite my tongue not to say something. Instead, I give a that’s great…that’s nice..yes he’s a very nice man, yes you’re very fortunate he came along, I’m happy for your Mom. I won’t lie though, it hurts every single time they throw him up to me but they’ll not ever hear it from me.
Because I’m from my generation, I can’t help but feel like Jan Brady…and the phrase Marcia Marcia Marcia rings through my head. Jan always trying just a little bit harder; Marcia always stealing the spotlight. I’m just a bit fed up with the one up man ship. I guess I can sympathize more with Jan now than ever before.
These kids don’t outwardly express to me that they have one ounce of recognition of the efforts I have made over the years as their Step Mom. Not knocking Marcia, but I’m not an SO, I’m all in and I have been for years.
Then, just as I made up my mind to write this, my annoyingly half full glass personality takes over and I think. It could be that I am simply not appreciated and that I am taken completely for granted by these children. But, it also could be that they just accept me as their other Mother. He somehow is making a sacrifice, doing things he doesn’t have to do; me, well yeah…I’m their Stepmom. I’m supposed to do for them. So I’m going to choose to feel good about all this and think that the later is the case. I don’t know why our girls hold him up to me all the time like that. I don’t have the energy, desire or skill to psychoanalyze that.
Lessons learned
I don’t know. It is what it is and you’ve been who you’ve been to your kids. In the end, let the work speak for itself I guess.
Know you’ve done well and don’t look for affirmation in the now. You should do what you do as a Stepmom because that’s what you want to do.
Let the new guy be the new guy, he’s in the honeymoon phase. If he makes it through that, he deserves some credit. He came in at a tough time.
Sometimes you just flat get your feelings hurt. It’s part of life and it’s certainly part of being a parent. Even if they never tell me in any sort of serious way, I know they care about and appreciate me. I know they do.
Christy
Good StepMom
