After a little thing with a gal or two, and a brief fling with”hickey girl”, our boy took up with a girl who lived not too far from us. Her parents are local business owners and she was in her Senior year of High School, college bound. Our boy was trying to make his mind up what he wanted to do, college or not. Ever since he was a small boy, apparently he had told everyone who would listen he wanted to be a Veterinarian. His Father always wanted him to go to college, his Mother didn’t see the need. Here again, fundamentally different views of what they wanted for their children. The kids’ Mother didn’t go to college, their Dad did. Our boy therefore was in the middle. He drug his feet when it came to taking his required tests, drug his feet applying to college period, but once he found out that his new girlfriend was going, he was suddenly inspired and got accepted at a pretty good school a couple of hundred miles away. We can thank her for that anyway.
This girl’s parents were of some means, and though our son hadn’t exactly wanted for much of anything growing up, her family was introducing him to things he hadn’t been exposed to before at a time when his eyes were wide open and he was most impressionable. Suddenly he was off to the lake on the boat, lunching at the club, going to golfing events and so on. Remember me saying that there were some tough months between my husband and son during his teen aged years? I mention it now because we began to realize that though we’d always welcomed this girl into our home, neither she nor her parents made any effort to get to know us at all. We sat through many instances where our son or the girls bragged about their Mother being with them on the boat out at the lake with this gal’s parents, or at dinner with them, both at their house and hers…we continued to be nice to her as the months turned into years, but we just didn’t get the same effort from her his Mother did. and what’s more…it inexplicably never occured to our kids that this might be hurtful to us. I was so in tune to my parents’ feelings I couldnt fathom it. Rather, they sort of lorded it over us; Mom’s got this but you don’t. To this day I don’t understand being that immune to the fact that you might be hurting someone’s feelings. One day one of our girls offered up that their Dad had been the topic of conversation at one of the dinners hosted by this girl’s parents. Apparently our son had painted quite the picture of his Dad. An angry and abusive Father. Their Mother sat there and said nothing by way of backing or defending him, though she knew that really all her ex had ever tried to do was teach our son some respect and reign him in when he needed to be…Oh and pay for most everything this child ever had or did, by the way. It bears mentioning I suppose that our eldest son was actually adopted by my husband. His birth Dad chose to have nothing to do with him, so my husband by choice, fathered this boy and was the only Dad he’d ever really known. This somehow made all this nonsense harder to bear. It was very disappointing not only that our son would instigate this sentimate against his Dad but that his Mother allowed it to go on in front of his daughters.
Once revealed this explained a lot I guess. The obviuos snubbing of us by this girl’s family. I told my husband that while I knew it would be nice to be able to have a relationship with these people, in my opinion, anyone who would take the word of a teenaged boy and not take the trouble to even get to know someone so that they could form their own opinions, I didn’t think I really wanted to have anything to do with anyway. I thought, they must not be all that smart. The very idea, shame on all of them and shame most of all on our son.
We invited this girl over for a holiday dinner the second year they were together. She accepted and was very complementary of the meal. After dinner, while I was still eating, she and our son proceed to have a big old sloppy wet kiss right there in front of me, and our girls. I’m sorry, that was a complete turn off for me, and though it’s been years and my husband says I should get past it, I haven’t been completely able to. What kind of girl acts like that, and in front of little kids? I wasn’t impressed.
Later that year we went on what we thought very well might be our last family vacation together (which included our oldest son) to a little town we like to go to in Colorado. We were sitting at a table in a restaurant and who do you think should come in? That’s right, his girlfriend and her parents. So happens they were also vacationing in the area. They made about 2 minutes of small talk, then said you don’t mind if we steal your son for a while do you? Well what were we supposed to say? So of course we said no. They declined to join us for lunch and took him with them. It wasn’t nice of them and it wasn’t nice of our son, he was gone until very late that evening. Again, no effort on their behalf to interact with us at all.
So year after year we go out of our way to buy her a birthday gift, to buy her something for Christmas ( my husband always gets way too many gifts for everyone) and year after year she gladly accepts it all. I remember maybe one thank you card throughout all the years and never anything for us. It isn’t that we don’t get a gift necessarily, she could wrap a Popsicle stick for all I care, it’s just no gesture at all, you know? Last year was the first time we’d ever been given anything, she brought us a plate of cookies. Guess that’s something. These kids have been dating now for almost 4 years and her parents have never asked us to their home, we’ve asked them to ours before but have been turned down. The girlfriend has maybe eaten a meal with us 4 or 5 times in all these years and only once in our home, the rest out. Usually when she comes to our house it’s past 10pm when obviously we have to go to bed. We try with her, we don’t want to alienate our son by not doing so. It’s hard though. We’ve done nothing but make her feel welcomed and cared about because our son cares about her and we get very very little in return. Hope she never has a child who picks someone who makes her feel the way we’ve been made to feel.
Lessons learned
You have no control over who your children choose to have relationships with especially the older they get. You have a choice. Avoid the person and don’t hide your displeasure. You’ll have had your say, but you probably won’t have much doings with your child as a result of it. Or, do the best you can to be civil and nice. It may not make any difference as far as the quality of the relationship between you and the girl or boyfriend, but at least you can feel good about your efforts and your child will appreciate you for it.
There are some adult people in this world whose behavior I don’t pretend to understand. Had we been at a gathering with our children, and heard people speaking ill about their Mother, we would have shut it down. If nothing else for the sake of the children. Apparently not everyone feels that is the thing to do.
I don’t know what to say about our son, who makes no effort to make this situation any better. I think he simply lacks in the emotional IQ and social graces departments. I don’t know what to say about a girlfriend who seems to be perfectly comfortable to be on the receiving end of kindness and generosity but who gives back almost nothing. Also lacking in the social graces department but with a healthy dose of entitlement it seems.
I guess we just aren’t meant to understand everything…and we don’t! Oh well, they are still together, maybe it’ll all get better.
Good Step Mom
