Ahh the girls, where to begin. Well let’s start by saying that we have two the same age. They are twins. They are not identical; in fact they are as different as night and day. One of their favorite gags is when in public we introduce them as twins and some poor sap says…Oh, fraternal? The girls straight faced say no, we’re identical! I did some reading about twins after they came into my life, and I think they may be what’s referred to as “mirror” twins. One is right hand dominant, one left; one is artistic, one quantitative; one average sized, one petite; one loves potatoes, one hates potatoes. All the way down the line almost as if by design they are complete opposites. Their Mother is a twin too which I always thought was interesting.
One of the first things I noticed with these two was their absolute demand for total equality. I don’t know if it had always been that way, or whether it was the actions of the parents that started it, or fed it. Maybe it was a little of all those. From the pictures I have seen of them in their youngest years, once they weren’t babies any more, they weren’t always dressed the same, nor did they have the same toys in their hands all the time. I do think that two kids the same age or even close in age are going to be this way to some extent; a little natural jealousy. I also think it was probably compounded by the actions of the parents at times. For example, I was told a story about how their Dad took them to a breeder to get a dog. They already had a dog and two cats in the house. The dog they had already, had always kind of been considered the boy’s dog, he got her when the girls were born. Their Dad thought it would be nice to get the girls one. The family was newly divorced, they had just lost a pet their Dad had for years, so he thought it would kind of lighten things up to have a puppy around. When they got there, one of the girls took a shining to a particular puppy. I guess the breeder wasn’t much help as I guess she said something about getting two pups. But rather than stand firm and insist that they settle together on the dog they wanted, he caved and brought home two puppies, one for each girl. They didn’t have time to devote to the care and training of two puppies and the house paid the price. Things like this I think probably, although unwittingly, reinforced the girls “tit for tat” mentality.
According to my husband, the more petite girl was always partial to spending time with him, the other girl would come and get her affection when she wantd to, but then was off to do her own thing. She wasn’t as interested as a baby, in sitting still and cuddling with Dad. Somewhere there developed a pretty hefty sense of competition between these girls for everything! From my observation I think there might have been a bit of favoring of one girl over the other by Dad, probably because she had been a more affectionate baby. Anyway, what you did for one you had to do for the other, no deviations, no exceptions, no way…ever. I had a hard time with this sometimes. The extent of it to me, is overboard. It is so pervasive, even today, that at times I am just in awe of it…not good awe…just awe. I really think it is time they out grow it. Example. They are now at the age of 15. The girls are on separate soccer teams, different schedules. I pick one up from a school activity, take her to get something from Sonic then drop her off at her next activity. She leaves her cup in the holder in the front of the car. I thought nothing of it. My plan was to pick up our other girl, ask her where she’d like to go and also take her to grab a snack before dropping her off at her next activity. When I pull up to pick our other daughter up she opens the front passenger door and there is no hello, there is only a very loud and very nasty…SHE GOT TO GO TO SONIC??? I know my blood pressure shot up to an unhealthy level and I let her know in no uncertain terms that I didn’t appreciate that behavior AT ALL and that not only did she owe me an apology, but she needed to get a grip on her completely over the top jealousy when it comes to her sister. I wanted to snatch her bald but instead…be the adult, right? I told her what my plan had been and told her that she had absolutely killed my desire to do something nice for her that day. I went ahead and took her to get food because she can’t do sports hungry; but I didn’t want to and to be honest she deserved to go hungry after that little stunt.
So we have one girl who has always gotten good grades in school, has always enjoyed reading, who gets totally engrossed in watching television…is opinionated, head strong, extremely sensitive, works very hard to excel in athletics and is also usually very dependable, loving and sweet too and who happens to have this major chip on her shoulder when it comes to her sister. Now about the other girl. Very artistic, very talented in that way, often a more mature conversationalist than her sister, has typically struggled more in school, I have never seen her read a book other than while doing homework, much of the time she is very sarcastic, she’s pretty self centered much of the time, she is athletically gifted, she sort of puts things in her sister’s face every time she gets a chance. She is also often the voice of reason with her sister and is depended upon to keep her somewhat grounded. They are both good kids and they are my kids, but they are very different from one another and a challenge at times.
When I first came on the scene they were 10. They still liked stuffed animals and played with dolls. As the oldest (by 15 minutes) the artistic one started to develop, she started picking out the shortest skirts, skimpiest tops, brightest colored bras grown up under pants and the tiniest of bikinis. Dad is so thrilled! The younger girl, the head strong one liked big old oversized floppy Tshirts and sweat pants then as she started to develop some curves she had to deal with, and as she started to turn the head of a boy or two she gravitated to low slung very tight jeans and tops that accentuate the positive, if you follow my meaning, Dad is so happy….again!
Another thing that can’t help but be noticed is that they fight over and about everything. If not for the fact that there is objective evidence by way of a calendar to prove to them that in fact it is Tuesday, they would disagree on what day of the week it is. Fights over rooms, blow dryers, curling irons, flat irons, makeup, food, boys, clothes, sports, gatorade, friends, who rode in the front seat last, who vacuumed last time, who emptied the litter box last, whose dish is in the sink, who used the last of the toilet paper, who stole whose cold soda from the fridge blah blah blah you get the idea as I could go on and on. At the same time I say this, they are also very close. They sing and dance together, try to figure out popular song lyrics together, ride piggy back on each other; it’s interesting.
I have watched them go from Barbie dolls to computer games, from those to cell phones, laptops and ipods. They text and facebook, they have new “boyfriends” as often as I change shoes. They use the word date differently than we did. They are dating so and so now. I asked once how you can date when you aren’t old enough to go anywhere and have no money to do anything. They educated me and I figured out that this just means they are what we used to call “going with” a guy. I have seen them go from their little girl gatherings to going out to eat and to movies with their friends, to dances with boys. Time is marching on.
Thing about the girls in comparison to the way their brother was at their age, is that they have their own version of moodiness and it is also really really hard to take at times. They get catty. They can be manipulative and dishonest. They must think we are completely stupid and don’t know anything sometimes. They tell on each other. Girls I have noticed must know why…why…why…and they debate everything. They get disrespectful at times with the things they say and how they say them. They have drama, almost always something, if it isn’t one of them it’s the other or simultaneous! You add all this together with their competitive nature with each other which seems to be evolving but also escalating and well…boy howdy! They are good girls, just teenaged girls. They accepted me, are very loving to their new baby brother, they are much better with respect to manners and all that then they had been, I think they get it, they seem to be involved and engaged and they have friends. For the most part they stay out of trouble. They are healthy. For these things we are thankful.
They are both turning out to be very pretty girls and I am looking forward to seeing who they become. I am proud of their Dad for both the degree he’s trying to let go and the degree of control he still insists on maintaining over them. It’s got to be hard. I can see them maturing, having more consideration of other’s feelings at times and taking their big sister role more and more seriously. They have deveoped enough self confidence to insist the guys they hang with treat them a certain way, most of the time. They are entering High School this fall, will be driving, will be looking for jobs and so on. I think they will always remain close to their Dad. Daddy’s girls you know. I try my best to be a positive influence on them. I hope for them the same I do for their big brother…that they remember family, and be happy productive people.
Lessons Learned
- Raising one girl is a challenge, raising two girls is two challenges.
- There is a certain amount of natural jealousy and competitiveness between siblings I know. Try not to feed it. The things you do in the early years you may all pay for later.
- I think parents do have favorites in a multiple child family. But if you think about it, I think who that is varies. Each child has strengths. One may be more dependable than the other, one more mature, one might have a better sense of humor than the other, one be better at ball, one a better swimmer, one more brave at heart than the other. If you play to and celebrate the differences, then every child gets to be a favorite at one time or another. As long as your rules and the enforcement of those rules and your love are consistent you’ll be in good shape!
- You won’t always get how they dress, your folks didn’t get how you dressed either. I do think you need to do as I have seen my husband do with our daughters. Not too short, not too sheer, not too much makeup, you have to dress appropriately for where you are going and for the weather and none of this is negotiable.
- Let them argue, they will anyway. You can’t short circuit it and probably shouldn’t. Just don’t let them go to fists, pull hair or draw blood.
- Girls are definitely different to raise than boys. In many ways they are, in my experience, more difficult. However, for all their complexities these will probably be the ones in your family who help the connectedness, help take care of everybody who most likely will continue to come around as you get older, who will bring covered dishes to your pot lucks, who will get married and bring their children around and keep the energy going. Bless them too.
Good StepMom
