Our eldest never really came home for a weekend visit after he left for college. When he did come back to town we would usually hear about it second hand from one of the girls as they let it slip he’d been at their Moms so on and so fourth, We think part of the reason why this was the case is because Mom allowed him to have his girlfriend over and sleep with him while he visited. We were never prepared to do that. Not that we’re prudes by any means but when you have your beliefs that they aren’t old enough to be doing that and certainly not in your home, and also you have three other children, two of whom age-wise are right on his coat tails, we were always concerned about the message allowing that of their brother would send to them. Years down the road we wanted to be able to be consistent when we wouldn’t allow the girls to do that either. And also frankly, we thought more of this girl than to allow them to sleep together outside a committed relationship in our home. All that said, we’ve always made our eldest feel welcome, his baby brother is crazy about him and we would like to have seen more of him these past few years. Now that he’s graduating and will be off to work to make his way, probably the opportunities for him to come visit will be even fewer than they have been. That he has chosen to visit his Mother far more frequently than us is a hurt we’ve just learned to live with.
So the girls go off to college and the one who goes to that school down the road announces that she’s coming home for the weekend. It had only been like a month and a half since she’d gone, but for some reason we got excited. There was a college football game in our town that Saturday. We have season tickets, so we were so happy she’d be able to join us. I spent time cleaning and getting ready for her to come back, I went to the grocery store and got her favorite meal (which crockpots for 10 hours) and we prepared for our first home visit! So that Friday night rolls around and she gets in pretty late and she’s understandably tired. So we didn’t keep her up too late, her little brother was so glad to see her and she was glad to see him and our dogs too. Next morning we get up and when she comes downstairs, she’s all dressed and ready to go, but the game wasn’t for a few hours. She tells us she’s planned to go to her Mother’s since she knew we’d be at the game and that she’d see us after the game. Huh? Okay well her Dad let her know he was disappointed, that he’d thought when she said she was coming home for the weekend that she would be spending the day with us. We’ll chalk this one up to miscommunication and assumptions. So she eats a bite and before she leaves I said listen, I’ve made the roast for those french dip sandwiches you love for dinner, you’ll be back for dinner won’t you? Oh yeah, she says as she scoots out the door. My husband was outspokenly disappointed, so was our boy and I’ll admit I was too, but oh well I said, she’ll be home for dinner and we can spend a nice evening together. I guess said my husband!
We go to the game and come on back home and I proceed to fix dinner. Five and Six o’clock come and go with no word. Seven….Eight….Nine…..At some point after 9…maybe 9:30 she comes tripping in. She’s very apologetic…she says her sister was also at their Mothers and insisted her Mother take her grocery shopping after they had been out to the mall and that it took forever…her Mother now lives an hour away. Not pleasant. My husband who really isn’t known in any circles in which he operates as a man who minces words said so this is your visit home for the weekend. They went back and forth a bit and as the one in the family who tries to be positive most of the time, I asked her, are you hungry? Then the other shoe drops and she admits that they also went out to eat dinner. Now I’m mad. I said you knew I had fixed this dinner for you right? Yes. And you went out to eat dinner with your Mom? Yes. And you didn’t call me or send me a text even to tell me so I didn’t continue to fix all this for you thinking you’d be here to eat it. No, I didn’t. End of evening for me…..I cleaned it all up…went to bed. I didn’t say near all I could have said about her being thoughtless. That I was relatively certain this long Saturday was an intentional move on her Mother’s part to get her visit in at the expense of ours. That she set us up to be disappointed then allowed it to unfold….I didn’t say any of those things yet I thought them.
The next day was pretty quiet. Our daughter came down tippy toed…spent a little time with her baby brother and our dogs….tried to talk to her Dad a couple of times….but my husband’s way of dealing with things like this is to clam up. She came into the kitchen and said well this was pretty much a ruined weekend wasn’t it? My answer was something like well for us maybe. Always trying to be the one who can talk to the kids and try to get some understanding between us I said look. I lived the life you’re living. My parents were split too. I always felt trapped between them and knew that no matter what I did one of them was going to be disappointed. It’s a heck of a way to live and it isn’t fair, but it’s the hand you’ve been dealt. I said, you have to just get better at it. I shared that through time what I’d done is as smelly as it sounds, if I were coming back to town, only one of my parents knew and I would rotate. That way one weekend one parent. Much less stress period and it’s the way I learned to operate. I think she liked what she heard. I did say to her though that part of growing up is doing the right thing and standing up for what’s right. I said I know how difficult is probably was with your Mom also excited to see you but I said you and I both know that the right thing to have done that day was to tell her you were happy to have been with her that day while we went to the game (our concession) but that you knew I’d gone to the trouble of fixing your favorite dinner, so you needed to go and then you needed to go (Mom’s concession). I said instead, you didn’t stick up for what was right, you sacrificed all our time with you to not disappoint your Mother…and now you’ve disappointed us…and chances are you feel bad as a result. Seems to me more folks lost than won this weekend. After that, I packed up some of that beef and some buns and sent her with a to-go package. She said her goodbyes and went back to school, my husband didn’t even tell her goodbye. Buzz Kill!
Lessons learned
Don’t expect too much…you get your feelings hurt that way. Kids just off at college and trying to grow up have a hard time. Divorced kids have an even harder time. It stinks but it is what it is.
Don’t play. If the other side of your kids’ family does these sorts of things…don’t give into it. You’ll only compound the stress your children feel and lower yourself to a level I bet you pretty much don’t want to be at. I want people to be with me because that’s where they want to be not because they feel like they have to be.
Take what you get but by the same token don’t be taken advantage of. That’s ok was not a proper response to what happened that weekend. It wasn’t ok. And the kids need you to shoot straight with them. Surely they will be faced with similar situations in their life…maybe what happened with our daughter here will give her knowledge and experience to handle a similar situation whatever it might be, much better. That’s what it’s about…..then go lick your wounds in private! THAT’S THE REALLY HARD PART!!!!!
GSM
