This morning as I was backing out of the garage taking our little one to daycare, my husband waves and then tells me to look out because Jane (made up name) is behind me. One of our daughters has a medical appointment this morning and her Mother has come to take her to it. As we back out of the driveway our little boy says Mama, is Jane (insert girls names here) ‘s Mama? I kind of set up straighter knowing I had to take care to help him understand. I said yes buddy that’s right. he said to me and you’re my Mama. I said right. Then I said and (daddy’s name) is your sister’s Daddy. Then he said and he’s MY Daddy. I acknowledged he had all that right. Feeling the need to go further I guess, I said buddy your sisters were never in my tummy like you were but I love them, and help take care of them too. I’m called their Step Mom. To this our boy says…oh…I don’t like StepMoms. I had to laugh. To which I answered oh, they’re not so bad!
A while back we got in a discussion about all this. To our boy, his sisters would just be home and then not for a few days….he asked where they were a couple of times, but I think because he’s just used to it, he never asked much about it. On this particular day, our little one had said to me you’re (sisters names) Mama. We had been in social settings with the kid’s Mother several times with our son in tow….she held him for the first time when he was about 6 months old…I’ve always referred to her and expect him to refer to her as Miss Jane. You know although we have referred to her as the older kids’ mom this entire time, a fellow just can’t process things till he’s ready. Our little boy has grown up experiencing the comings and goings of his older siblings. Of course initially he didn’t care or maybe even notice…he was first too little then sort of wrapped up in his own stuff like learning to crawl, walk, run and talk. Then he’d start to look for them, and we’d try to explain that big brother was at school and his sisters were at their Mamas. He got kind of used to that until one day he responded to me, but you’re their Mama. At that time he was pretty little still so I think I said something to him like, yes the girls have two Mamas. That seemed to do it for a time. Then he developed to the point where he’d miss them a little and pout a little when they would come and go. Since big brother doesn’t come around all that often…holidays is about it…our little guy is always just thrilled to see him and plays and rough houses and laughs and hangs on his big brother the entire time. When he sees that red car in the driveway it’s game on and he gets so so excited. The girls, he has at times given them a bit of the silent treatment as they come and go…a couple of weeks ago for the first time he actually cried when they said they had to go, he said why do you have to leave? This upset the girls too…he hadn’t made them feel quite that way before. I know he’s maturing emotionally because one of his sisters opted to attend her boyfriend’s soccer game instead of attending her baby brother’s 4th birthday party. Later in the day as she waltzed in and attempted to wish him Happy Birthday, he took one look at her and calmly said in a very wounded tone..”you missed my party” to which she looked at me and I could only look at her as if to indicate hey, you made your choice, you have to live with it. She said to him I know I did buddy. Again he looks right at her and said “I was 4”. Ouch!
As the girls go to college whatever that ends up looking like….I wonder how our boy will do? For certain he’ll have a busy and full life…but at that point the thing which my husband and I discussed before we decided to have this baby later in our lives will be upon us. He’s really going to be for all intents and purposes an only child. His will be a unique journey. I see it as he will perhaps have more maturity, perhaps be less flighty and more grounded in his studies than his siblings. He’ll be athletic I’m sure and so he’ll have team mates. He seems to be a kid other kids flock to upon arrival anyplace…so I know he’ll always have friends. What we miss for him is having that brother or sister to lounge in bed with and watch cartoons, to make mischief with and giggle as they get a rise out of their parents, to blame for things…maybe a younger sib to help raise….but this little man is the last dot in our little family circle. I hope he has a good healthy and strong relationship with his brother and sisters as time marches on. It’s important. We don’t want him to ever be alone, he’s such a great little soul. We wouldn’t have not created him for all the money in this world, though we take full responsibility for putting him in this birth order situation. His eternally glass half full Mother hopes and prays that it will help build a strong character…he’s off to a pretty danged good start!
Lessons learned
Living in a split family is hard.
Though we have come to think of divorce as unfortunately the norm anymore…it isn’t what you want for your kids. They are resilient little people…but still…it presents a number of issues that the kids have to deal with and maneuver through and it’s hard for them. I have seen it cause kids to be mature faster than they should be and cause some to struggle to mature at all.
Little kids like our boy, at first don’t understand the dynamic into which they’ve been born. Our boy knows who his siblings are and naturally he believes I’m the Mama. For him to figure out now that his sisters have a different mother than he does introduces him to a concept a little beyond his years.
Kids process what they can when they can. As I watch our little one figure out the family dynamic…I am reminded that when I begin to lose patience with the girls…they are just 18. They have a lot to figure out, and a lot of time to do it. I would do well to remember that. I get frustrated at times that they don’t do this or that or they just don’t get it…they too process what they can as they can…patience on my part required!
GSM
