What to do…..what to do…
I remember when I was in High School…trying to figure out what I wanted to be….what I wanted to do with my life. First let me say that in my birth family I never remember there being any discussion about whether or not I was going to college. I think it was just assumed I would. If I look at my immediate birth family…neither of my parents have a college degree…my Dad attended I think two years, my Mother never went to college. Of course none of my Grandparents or Great Grand parents did either. My Dad had one brother who is a college graduate…journalism major. He made a good career for himself in the newspaper business. My Paternal Grandmother had one brother who got an Engineering degree, he had one daughter who got a degree in Education. Of 10 people on my Dad’s side then, there were 4 including myself who attended and graduated college. My Mother has three siblings. One has a law degree, none of the rest of them attended college. My maternal Grandmother had 3 sisters and 3 brothers, My Grandfather had one sister, none of these folks had a college education. That wasn’t uncommon in those days…hard working people all…just few had the means to to go to college. I had a brother, who died at the age of 34. He attended a junior college and trade schools trying to find his way but never attended college per se. So you can see, a very small number of my family members got to go to college. So….see to me, it’s a privledge for sure to even GET to go to college. My kids…all different. They see college as an imposition…just one more thing they have to do. Their Mother has no formal education and has had her fair share of struggles to show for it. Their Father has an Accounting degree. My husbands parents don’t have college experience, neither did their Mother’s parents. So….here we are faced with three older kids who have all the breaks many of their relations didn’t…what to do?
One challenge we’ve had is that their Mom doesn’t preach of the importance of a higher education despite her struggles, Dad does. So the kids are somewhere in the middle, but they have had such a privileged life they really haven’t a clue. The oldest hem hawed around…procrastinated his preliminary exams despite being smart enough to be considered gifted. The only reason he finally got moving is that his girlfriend declared and moved away to go to college so he followed. He’s doing well…very well so that’s good. He did decide to go to the absolute sworn enemy of our alma mater but oh well what the heck. We have a healthy in-state rivalry between the state agricultural school and the liberal arts college so of course he decides to major in something that other school is best known for! In his defense he had declared he wanted to study Veterinary science when he was like 10 years old1 Then the girls come along and really never gave much thought one way or another about what comes after high school until the end of junior year. They procrastinated taking their preliminary exams till it was almost too late. I think they thought they would just ace them. Well guess what, they didn’t and they weren’t happy about or proud of their scores. Statements like Mom does ok….met with my hopefully gentle yet respectful… does she? Now that she has someone sharing her life who can help with her living expenses she’s ok…but I can remember times when she talked about the kid’s coming here full time because she couldn’t afford to take care of them…her cutting out cable tv…phone service… things like that…that’s not ok really….it’s barely making it. Then once they started to think about what comes next, they started reaching…I want to go to school in Florida….California….ok….and how exactly do we pay for that?
Then the unheard of happened. Remember me mentioning that in- state school rivalry? Well…..daughter number one who is all about the social experience…wants to be in a sorority…well of course she does! Her big brother’s girlfriend (grrrrrrr) has talked that up…a big help I might add, as she is in a Sorority at what we’ll refer to as “That other school”……so of course based not off of the quality of the education (though the quality is just fine at that other school) not upon whether or not they offer or specialize in whatever she thinks she wants to study…but simply upon her chances of being able to get into a sorority, she (under the table) applies to our local school and that other one. Gets accepted to both. Letter comes in the mail….Dad opens it…Oh joy. In the meantime daughter two, who started the college application process way before her sister did had applied locally and made a big deal about how she been accepted….making Dad proud all that stuff….then what does she do? I guess because she can’t fathom not doing something her sister had done, she also applies under the table at that other school and also gets accepted there. My poor husband. It’s like pick your number one school rivalry and then have all your kids want to go there.
So again…affordability is a concern. Three kids in college at the same time. Away means paying for housing as well as school. So then we started trying to tell the girls about scholarships..that applying for them..most of them..all of them… increased their chance of doing what they want to do….the career choices so far we have heard about let’s see …we have one girl who has talked about law (she argues every single stinking point anyone ever attempts to make to her, so someone once sarcastically told her she’d make a good trial lawyer), a pharmacist, now back to lawyer….our other daughter let’s see….artist, marine biologist, nurse, physical therapist, fashion design, marketing medical field undecided. It’s to be expected that a kid switch back and forth on and off and change their mind on what they want to do…I just think its interesting. So we had this talk with the girls about the affordability of having three kid’s simultaneously in college…and tried to clear up any misconceptions they might have had about what we mean by you can live at home and go to college. I think they saw it as an extension of childhood….still under Dad’s thumb, that sort of thing. We clarified during that conversation that what we mean is that we wouldn’t expect to actually ever see them but that they could sleep here, grab food and use the washer and dryer….save some money up and probably get their own place, especially if they were willing to room together in an apartment or something.
Where are we today? I don’t know really. They say they are applying to scholarships. Did you know they have scholarships for twins? For left handed people? I didn’t. Daughter number one said quietly to me the other day that she’s decided to go locally. Actually if she wants to go into,the medical profession at any level, that’s a good choice. Her odds of getting into a sorority decrease….but she may not have thought of that and I’m not bringing it up. What I imagine will happen is daughter two will change her mind. If money weren’t an object, I actually think separation for these girls would be the best thing for them from a maturation stand point. But I think while sorority girl would be just fine separating off from her sister…..other sister I think, has a harder time with that. Always has.
So well see. It’s February, so soon they will have to settle on a plan. Should be interesting….I’ll keep you posted. Hey that’s funny!
Lessons learned
- It’s an exciting and scary time for a kid. Eighteen, whole life ahead of them, uncertain what the future holds. It’s at once fun and petrifying to watch unfold.
- On the one hand I am ready for them to get on with it, on the other hand they have a lot of growing up to do.
- My frame of reference is as a child who wanted to be out, moved out and stayed out. Nineteen. And I know because I chose that route, I matured dog years…quick…had to. But I was a mature kid anyway. These guys are not. I don’t know what that looks like or feels like. They’ll either soar or crash a couple of times, but that’s what we do isn’t it?
- When I go around picking up clothes slung across the back of my sofa….socks…shoes…book bags. When I clear dishes that aren’t mine; when I put away the peanut butter jar for the sixtieth time that day when I haven’t eaten any that day, I am so ready for them to get out…see what it’s like to have to do it all. I know though that when that finally happens, whenever it happens, ‘ll miss them. I know that I will.
GSM
