If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck but it won’t swim, it ain’t a duck yet.
I had another brief discussion this morning with one of our daughters about acting as you want to be treated. I have told all three of the older kids at one time or another, that they are going to start wanting to do things, and be trusted to do things that are more adult in nature as they get older. That being the case, their behavior in turn has to start being more like that of a young person who is growing up, instead of like a little kid. I have tried to explain to them that if we see that they are coming along on the home front i.e. pitching in and helping without being asked, cleaning up after themselves, doing for themselves instead of expecting others to do for them, not pouting, those things show maturity…to me, as long as they are behaving in the ways described, they are lacking in maturity. Why then would we be comfortable trusting them on any sort of adult level?
One of our daughters has been after us for the past four years to let her travel with a school group on an international trip. Now putting affordability aside, and it’s certainly for us a big factor, I think there is a lot of benefit to be had for the right kid to be allowed to do such a thing, Speaking as someone who hosted an international exchange student when I was in Junior high, and who went overseas to work for a summer when I was 20… I know that it expands your horizons, teaches you to trust in yourself, gives you great confidence and shows you that there are ways other than those you are used to. I say for the right kid. I was mature beyond my years and a trustworthy sort.
And of course like all other parents, my feelings about kids going on school trips have changed post Natalie Holloway. Now, even for the right kid, it’s more of a gut wrenching decision than the kids can even imagine. And they won’t understand it until they have children of their own. Let’s look at the behavior of this daughter of ours. Her room is an absolute disaster at all times. Clothes in the floor, her half of their bathroom is also a disaster. Up until just this year, I did her laundry if it was to be done, Now…she usually talks her sister into putting her clothes in when she does her laundry. If she asks for something or asks to do something and the answer is no, she storms off and pouts about it. She is defiant and lippy. Almost everything ends up in some sort of verbal arm wrestling match. If left to her own devices, bless her heart, she’s lazy. She’ll usually do something if you ask her to, but you have to ask her to. Then whether it’s sweep, vacuum or wash dishes, or dust…it’s half assed…every time. We left her in charge of watching her little brother one day while we were home but otherwise occupied. When I walked through the living room, he had a pair of scissors in his hand, no fooling, and he was standing right in front of her..but she was watching TV. He was around 2 1/2 years old. We haven’t felt like she can be alone and in charge of our little boy and she’s 17. She just doesn’t pay attention so we’re not comfortable. If you ask her to do something, you had better set a timer and remind her multiple times or you can forget it. She fibs regularly. She still calls my husband Daddy. In some areas of the country that isn’t unusual for a child over the age of 16, especially for a girl; where we live…it is and usually reserved for girls of a much higher social bracket than our daughter. Don’t get me wrong, this is a good kid and I love her. Is she there yet? Asked and answered. If maturity were the goal post, then she’s barely at first down and 15.
Other daughter. A more subtle lack of maturity and of a bit different sort. She did start to do for herself much earlier and on her own initiative. She has only been caught fibbing a couple of times. Extraordinarily organized. Sometimes pitches in and cleans, but usually in exchange for something she is about to ask to do, or sometimes out of boredom. She acts out too when she doesn’t get her way, but this one just pushes and says snotty things, goes to her room for a while, then usually turns a page and comes back to join us without holding a grudge. This girl we trust to watch our youngest. We trust she’ll watch over him and stay on task. Even trust her to give him a bath and take him to the pool. She is an extreme perfectionist and this gets in her way at times. She is an absolute Diva when it comes to her personal appearance or herself. She is a bit of an exhibitionist and has always rubbed her sisters nose in the difference between their physical makeups. She still doesn’t clean up after herself without being asked to over and over and over… she has no idea how fortunate she is compared to alot of other kids. She plays her parents against each other and manipulates others to get what she wants. I think she has few friends because she’s a bit selfish and self absorbed. Pardon me for saying so but she’s a cheer leader. I know that’s a generalization….but I think she’s probably a snob and possibly not very nice to kid’s at school who are outside her circle including her own sister. We are the victims of tee peeing and unwanted car decor frequently. So far, and as far as we know, she has steered clear of getting into trouble with booze and such. She might just be smart enough not to get caught but maybe she just doesn’t care to do those things. She got a job and is way over scheduled. In this her senior year I fear she’d rather wreck her grades than admit her Dad was right, that she should cut back somewhere. She asks to go out late, to go to girl’s houses we know haven’t made good choices, she wants to make her own decisions; which classes to take, which extra curricular activities to participate in. Now again if being mature is the goal…then this daughter is probably at the 50 yard line and running with the ball. I just hope she doesn’t trip over her own feet or get tackled.
Both our girls are seniors in high school. Neither has visited a college or asked to. Neither has applied to any colleges. Neither has applied to take the ACT. Neither has a plan, neither has decided on any course of action past high school and frankly we’re concerned. Another show of immaturity in my opinion. No preparedness or thoughts of the future past Senior pictures that I can tell.
Lessons learned.
The whole teenage experience from my perspective is like watching someone drive blind folded. They go too fast, have no idea where they are going, get repeatedly off course and then hopefully correct. None of us know where they’ll end up, we just know they’re going there in a hurry and we hope they don’t take too many pedestrians out along the way.
If a kid wants to be treated as mature, then they need to act in mature ways. They can’t have it both ways. I’m grown when I think I am, but I have no real desire to be grown at any other time.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck but it can’t take to water….that duck ain’t ready to fly or wander far from the home pond!
Christy
Good Stepmom
