I don’t understand it. I am reminded today just how bankrupt our older kids are when it comes to sentimentality. I have tried to research why this might be the case. Is it generational? Is it just incredible self centeredness? It’s like that part of them forgot to develop. I find it bothersome and it’s something I’ll make sure to watch in my young one.
Today we had to give away our cats, who we have had for about 10 years. These were my husband’s before we got together then they came to live with me and my dog. My dog never much cared for the cats… She saw them for the most part as something to be chased. That we could have dealt with I suppose, but what happened was a full blown territory war and the cats peed where the dog was present and the dog peed where the cats were present. They literally ruined an entire house full of carpet and an expensive leather sofa while we patiently waited for them to get over themselves. We thought it would get better when we moved. It didn’t, it got worse. Our cats were relegated to one room in our basement, and try though we did, we didn’t spend much time with them. It was no sort of good life for them and not likely to change any time soon. Having to get rid of them was hard. I felt responsible somehow, heck I’ve never ever given a pet up in my whole life. I knew it was best for them though and the family showed up for them and I knew they would be loved. A little fairy princess and her brother wearing a Nemo outfit, they were so excited to pick up their new kitties. Ours are sisters so we didn’t want them split so they are together and the center of attention I’m sure. What got my attention was the oh well attitude our daughters had about the whole thing. Hell the cats were theirs technically though in 7 years they have never once fed them that I can remember or helped cart them to the vet and they probably tended their litter boxes less than a dozen times. The girl’s had to be made to come down and say goodbye to them. My husband more or less shamed them into it really. I don’t get the lack of emotional attachment. This isn’t the first time I have wondered at this, just the latest time. Allow me to go back.
When they moved from their home to mine, they seemed sad at leaving that house and to me that seemed normal. Every time I’ve moved from a home has been emotional for me. I think the first time I remember thinking something was wrong was after I watched Marley and Me. If you’ve seen it, you know what I mean, Good lord I cried a river. Shortly after that, the girls had a sleep over. They had that movie on and the girls were laughing and gabbing while it was playing… how could they not be torn up over this movie? I was bewildered. I watched them lose pets to illness and old age. Our oldest son just left his dog’s cremains in his old room when he moved out without a word. Never mentioned it. We have her now in a nice urn. We had to put one of our pups down right after they came to live with me. Though it was a sad time for us all…none of the kids were outwardly or visably moved by her passing once she was taken to the vet that last time.
The next time I saw them completely lack empathy was when we announced we were expecting a baby. Never once did it occur to them that we might be happy, all they could do was lash out and think about themselves. Unpleasant. Then I lost my Step Father who I was close to and who did a lot for me and for the kids. I don’t remember them saying anything to me about him, until they were shamed into it by their Dad. Their Grandfather on their Mom’s side got ill and passed rather quickly from cancer. Our older son was closest to him. When he died, they didn’t seem all that sad. Their Grandmother on their Mom’s side has been rushed to the ER a time or two really isn’t doing well since she lost her husband and the girl’s don’t seem to care in fact, they seem more concerned about their own social agenda and that they are being inconvenienced due to their Mothers attention to her own Mother. When my Dad died…nothing. The only time I see any real emotion is when something has affected them directly…usually a boy…maybe a girl friend…
Man I don’t get it. I cry at a mushy commercial or for no reason at all. It only takes me a second to imagine I’m in someone else’s shoes. I’m uber sentimental and get attached to things and to pets and to people quite easily and I don’t give them up easily either. What is a child missing not to form healthy attachments and possess the ability to realize that other people do, and to respect that they might have feelings about something. I don’t really know. Is it self absorption? Is it that when they were little their family dynamic was such that they skipped learning how to feel things? Were their parents equally unfeeling? I know their Dad is extremely sensitive but covers it with humor and indifference at times. I have picked up a little that their Mom is cynical and kind of smart alecky about most everything. Did the kids in their formative years come to think that nothing meant much of anything? Is it that they truly have grown up in a disposable society where dead people are a 5 sec news blip? Are they so over exposed to death and violence and sadness that they are desensitized to it all? Maybe. It’s sad whatever the reason.
Lessons learned
I don’t know why my kids are this way. I’m sure they aren’t unique. I’m also sure all kids of their age aren’t this way. I can’t help but think that their ability to have meaningful relationships with others will somehow be affected by this emotional short sightedness.
I hope they grow out of their indifference. To truly be cared about I think you have to truly care about the world and others around you. I want better from them in this regard than what I’ve seen.
I know my boy is yet a different generation than his brother and sisters. I am going to do everything I can to see that he genuinely cares about other peoples feelings and has empathy and emotional attachment. It’s a deficit I don’t want to see him or any of my kids possess.
Christy
Good Stepmom
