Almost two years ago we lost our nephew of 15 months from unknown causes. His Mama found him in his crib one morning. Apparently he had passed during the night sometime. Inquiries were made, weeks and weeks of agonizing wait time and all they could tell us was that he had died of unknown causes. It wasn’t SIDS, they didn’t call it that…besides he was a little old for that. His organs checked out fine I guess, so did his toxicology. So nothing gave out, he hadn’t gotten into something. He just died in his sleep.
That day I remember very well. I was sweeping in the kitchen and my husband was having coffee at the kitchen table. When his little sister called him, he answered as he does many times when one of his sisters calls…in a silly voice. I could tell right away from the change in his tone that something was very wrong. He mouthed the words Krayton passed away to me but even if that’s what I thought he’d said, I remember thinking that couldn’t be what he said. I kept sweeping for a second, then from hearing his part of the conversation, it registered with me that I had heard him correctly. I went to sit down with him. After he got off the phone we just sat there in stunned disbelief. She and her son had just been over to our place for a play date with our son just days before. He’d seemed just fine. We collected ourselves as much as we could and headed over to their house just thinking that was what we should do, I guess. Surreal. Unfortunately as we pulled up the EMTs were bringing the little fellow out. I felt weak kneed. We went in. The house was full of police and investigators….so horrible…so horrible….those folks you could tell by their eyes were affected, we all were. I felt for them too. Parents were questioned, procedure …people doing their job….baby toys everywhere. A house full of lost souls not knowing what to say or do, neighbors in concern and disbelief standing outside. We stayed for a while, then went home. That next night they wanted to know if we’d come back but we had our little one and we didn’t think it would be a good idea. They insisted and it was strained and awkward. In the days that followed, my husband went to the funeral home to lend support as they planned this little boy’s funeral. That day came, we all attended of course, and it was a horrible and incredibly sad thing for our entire family.
Up to the point that our little nephew was born, my husband and I had been close to his youngest sister and her new husband. She and I were pregnant together. Me first then she announced just months later that she was expecting too. We had fun keeping tabs on each other, we got a cute back to back shot too. Our boy was born Feb of that year, theirs in May. So the boys were neck n neck. A more doting set of parents you’ve never seen. She was the one with the packed bag, always so prepared and organized. Always thought of everything. The one who always had an extra bib, or extra Cheerios….a spoon. Anything and everything. Those few times we got together…she was the one I relied on if…no when…I would forget something. We got together whenever our schedules would allow….took the boys for ice cream, met for lunch, made handprint plates for that first Fathers Day. Our son was always bouncing around all over the place and theirs just sat quietly. She seemed so pulled together compared to me..the frazzled one.
The last time we saw our nephew was just days before he passed away. They came over for a play date. The boys played together and hung out with my husband, us girls went out to the deck. I was mock interviewing my SIL because she had put in for a promotion at the hospital where she worked. The boys were so cute together. They were just getting to the age where they were starting to relate instead of just play side by side. We got some cute pics that day and I’m so glad we had that time with him. We couldn’t have dreamed of course that it was the last time we’d see him. I gave him a smooch and squeezed his little arm in the car seat that day….I’d never been an Aunt before like that, he was special to me.
His funeral was sweet, his Mother was so strong….she actually spoke. I couldn’t have done that, I know I couldn’t have. My Brother in Law was so sad and so lost. We had a balloon release for him and now I do every year on that day. It was a beautiful gesture…Afterward none of us knew what to say or what to do. It was one of the most painful things I have ever gone through with somebody…maybe the most.
After a while passed, me tried to get back into some sort of a relationship, sensitive to the fact that our son surely stirred up emotions for them every time they were in his presence. Most everything we said to my SIL backfired in some way. She was just so hurt and she lashed out at most everything we said. Example. My husband took a picture of our boy and one of our dogs…now this was more than a year after the loss of our nephew. They have a really really big dog. My husband sent her that pic with the caption, think yours would allow this? Our boy was riding our dog. Her reply back was yeah, probably but our son died. Well what do you do with something like that? My husband just text back sorry. The net result was that we pulled back from them. Just at a time when we felt we should be there for them to offer support, we couldn’t. Hey if you get kicked more than a couple of times, you stop making yourself available fir it, you know? It was a very hard time.
One day, out of the blue, I received a text pic. I could tell immediately that I was looking at a sonogram…very early view. There were no words…just the pic. I responded hesitantly, she confirmed. We now are the proud Aunt and Uncle of another little boy. He’s about 8 months old now. We are just now starting to go back around, our son is embracing his newest cousin. It is our hope that these two will become close and have each other to pal around with. While the scar is there and always will be, as time most often does…we have begun to heal I think and it’s good to see.
Lessons Learned
- I will never understand why children have to be lost like that. I guess it isn’t my place to understand. I choose to think that maybe these little unspoiled and innocent people have to go back, because that’s who angels are. Anyway that’s how I choose to see it.
- Yet another example of enjoy what and who you have in the moment. You never ever know when it’ll be taken away.
- Sometimes it’s hard to understand, but regardless of good intentions, there might be times when less of you is what is required. Feels bad…is bad…but then again if you haven’t experienced the same thing as someone else has, how can you possibly blame or judge?
- Life is hard. I don’t know why that little boy was whisked away like that. He was a temporary gift we were allowed to have for just a little while. He won’t be forgotten, he touched anyone who knew him and in his own little way caused us all to stop and appreciate how precious family really is.
In memory of our little nephew
Christy
Good Stepmom
