Our child is always going to come second
I write this as I sit here tonight reminded of my place and our youngest child’s place in this family. While you would assume with a 14 year gap in age that the youngest would take the primary place in the family…it ain’t necessarily so. I don’t hold any hard feelings about it against my oldest kids…nor even my husband though he’s an easy target for my occasional frustration on the matter. We talked about this a little bit before we decided to have a child together, you know…divying up the attention and time. The simple fact is, that our child comes after his siblings. Not just birth order mind you….but, and I don’t think priority is necessarily what I mean….but let’s just say attention. I think it’s particularly hard for me to take. I suppose because my birth child to me is special and I think most everything he does and says is the cutest best thing that’s ever been! Let me offer up some examples. My son has yet to meet any of my extended family except for one uncle who is also his Godfather. This is because we can’t seem to coordinate all the other kids together to go down South and my husband doesn’t want to go when it’s summer time. He’s three and a half and they don’t know him. Never seen him. They’ve met the older kids though. He knows lots of his Father’s family. Our son loves his family very much…but he’s #12 grand child for my husband’s parents. He’s the only one for mine. I knew when we had him that he was going to second fiddle a good bit. It’s just hard.
This week before it gets too hot all I wanted to do was take him to the zoo, I thought well ya know, the girls can go along if they want, either way it’ll be a fun activity and he’s at the age where he really is starting to know his animals. I got off work from an especially hard week for my husband to inform me that one of the girls was having a friend over for dinner. So…I got to stop by the store to get more food, then come home wash dishes and straighten house….I thought, you know at least tomorrow will be fun. I am then informed by one of my daughters that instead of her first day on her new job being Monday it’s tomorrow. So she can’t go to the zoo and needs one of our cars. Then our other daughter informs us that soccer try outs are the entire weekend. So…since she isn’t allowed to drive out of town, her Dad has to take her. Just like that, Little man out, no Zoo. Oh well what the heck, right? This kind of thing happens all the time.
To this point I have been the only one disappointed. Now though, our boy is old enough to tell us when his feelings are hurt or that he’s upset. As we enter the girl’s senior year in High School and our eldest son’s senior year in college and it all escalates, it will be a challenging year to devote all the attentions where we need to.
I turned a corner tonight. I became disappointed and hurt for our little guy that the activitis of his life are so often conditional upon the needs and activities of everyone else. Then I realized it isn’t really anyone’s fault. It just stinks. Not even much to be done about it. I could pitch a fit, make everyone feel bad like I do. But I don’t believe I will. Tomorrow I am taking our boy to the zoo. Just me. It won’t be easy but you know what….somebody needs to press on for him. So I will. The older kid’s won’t care….but he will . I’ve been to lots of their functions and have put them first for years. And while I realize they are in their senior year and it’s an important time…so is being three. I waited a long time to have this boy and I’m not going to wait until it’s convenient to do things with him….I’m going to do them now! Little man in!
Lessons learned
I don’t know. It’s hard. I love all my kids, but when they are this far apart and then again not further apart, a lot of the challenge of that is just what we are facing. Their needs as they grow older and aim to be on their own….and his as he’s so little and if you miss it, it’s gone and gone forever.
I feel I’ve been there for the oldest kids. It’s my responsibility to be there for my little one. Anyone who would begrudge me that can quite honestly take a hike.
Good Stepmom
