I would like to share with you some thoughts by guest blogger Eddie Shackelford. Eddie took time off from his busy schedule writing about TV/entertainment to offer his insight from what is no doubt an under represented group on parenting blogs… Step Fathers. Let’s see what he has to say…
Effective Step Dads
Stepping into a leadership role in a family that is not quite your own yet can be contentious, frustrating and one of the most rewarding things in your life. Step dads have a conundrum: they have the big shoes of the father to fill but at the same time they have to be seen as not trying to replace the parent. How can you be an effective step dad and husband and become a safety net pulling the family together rather than a wedge driving it apart?
The first thing to remember is you’re not the dad, which is something most kids in a blended family will remind you of at some point in the relationship. It’s true, you’re not the dad, and you shouldn’t try to take the biological father’s place. However, you are still a parent, in a position of authority to some degree, and definitely there to uphold rules, give guidance where needed and to love the children unconditionally.
Before you even get to dealing with the kids, a new step dad has to communicate with his wife about how their combined parenting will proceed. More than anything else, you need to present a united front in all decisions and disciplines. Set out guidelines about what you can do, what only she can do, and what remains in the domain of the child’s real father, if he is still in the picture.
Having a positive relationship with the other man in their life goes a long way to maintaining a happy extended family. No matter what type of relationship the children have with their father, understand they do not want you to replace him. You need to cultivate your own identity in the family tree.
Unconditional love may be a prerequisite for any type of parenting, but respect is the most essential habit to being an effective step dad. Respect the habits and traditions of the family you are blending into. Work with your wife to create new traditions the kids will enjoy too. Recognize that older children will have set ideas already about how the family interacts and functions.
A new step dad in the family may include other upheavals as well: a new house, town or school and etc. Being an effective step dad will depend a lot on how the first few months play out. Children may blame you for missing friends or activities they loved. The mother and step dad must apologize together, but firmly state that this is the new reality and the whole family must adjust.
This may be especially difficult for teens, especially since they will reject most efforts to encourage excitement about new things. Tread carefully and practice the importance of respect.
Respect, love, a united front and a good attitude will go far toward being the type of step dad that children love. These things are non-negotiable in a blended family. Parental roles, new family traditions and communication skills are all things to be worked on if you want to be an effective and appreciated step dad.
I thank Eddie for his words and for offering to appear here on my site. Let me hear your comments and if you have an article you would like for me to consider posting, contact me as well!
Good StepMom
Author: Eddie D. Shackleford is the Father of 2 and Step Father of 1. He understands the importance of being effective in his role as a step-father. He also writes for Direct4tv and can be followed @Eddie20ford.
