I’m a different kind of Mom…
Let me start out by saying that I love my Mother very much. She has been my number one supporter for as long as I can remember, has taught me many things and has done more for me than I can possibly ever thank her for. That said, the rest of this post is going to illustrate what a different kind of Mother I think I am, than my own Mother is or knew how to be.
I had a lot of advantages growing up that my own Mother didn’t have. My parents divorced when I was very young. I lived split between two households and yes I grew up probably too fast, was über responsible and worked to help maintain my Dad’s house …cooked, cleaned, did laundry and helped take care of my baby brother. I still had plenty of time to be a kid though. My Mother’s parents were together, worked hard to support a family of 6 and my Mother was robbed I think, of much of the joy of being a kid because she was expected to be the home maker and care-giver to three younger siblings while her Mother and Father earned a living. I don’t get the feeling she wanted for anything necessarily, just that she didn’t have much fun. She did dance and I know she enjoyed that and she has told me she enjoyed living with some of her cousins for a while, but that’s the only mention she’s ever made of having fun. So though we do have some similarities in that we were both old beyond our years and very responsible personalities, we also are very different.
My Mother and I have had very different life experiences. I went to school and earned degrees, she worked and earned a life degree. She traveled extensively after she quit working, so she is very worldly. Because my Step Father and Mother provided me the wherewithall to do so, I have had the opportunity to travel too…more than most, but I wouldn’t call myself worldly by any means. We both chose people oriented careers. She was an extremely talented Administrative Assistant/executive Secretary, I taught for a while then focused on Human Resources. We like some of the same music and though I’m more moderate than she is, we have the same basic political orientation. We have similar tastes in decor and clothing. I’m a more adventuresome eater than she is. We both like wine and some say we look a lot alike…ok we do look a lot alike. And that’s a plus because she’s really pretty and always always put together! Anyway, the one thing we are is very different kinds of Mothers. Our styles just couldn’t be more different on that score.
My Brother and I lived with my Dad during the week and my Mother on the weekends. It was not the typical arrangement for a divorced family with children in those days. So rather than deal with the day to day care of children, my Mom squeezed in quality time weekends only. Though my Mother showed she loved us in many ways, I wouldn’t say she was a physical huggy touchy feely kind of Mom. I don’t have memories of her reading to me though I know she did. I only remember her helping me with school work a couple of times, though she probably did help me more times than that. She was a room Mother a year or two, provided transportation to some field trips. And due to her generosity, I have a couple of memorable stories from that time period. My Mother has a really good heart. She is a good cook, but I swear she cooked more after I left home than while I lived at home. I remember doing lots of fun stuff. Amusement parks, boat rides, ice skating, ball games, air plane rides, carving pumpkins, coloring Easter Eggs, going to the zoo, fishing, snow skiing..all kinds of cool experiences. I think doing these things with us was one of the ways my Mother showed she cared and perhaps an attempt to partially make up for the fact that weekends was all the time we had together. My parents’ homes were quiet. We weren’t rowdy kids. If the TV was on it was tuned usually to something the grown ups wanted to watch. My Dad didn’t allow animals in the house, my Mom did, but we were only there on weekends..I think Mom tried to fill that need we had for pets, though she had terrible allergies and certainly she paid a price for that. My Mom has been widowed now about three years and has started spending more time with us. Watching her try to cope with my life moved me to write this. As she sits and sips wine…My kids have every tv in the house on, tuned to different stations. At least one of them is probably on my computer, in the kitchen talking to me about…look what I found on Pinterest, the other two are probably taking or rough housing…our toddler is bouncing around into everything. All his toys make sounds…buzzing, horns beeping, whirring, spinning, click clack whack. My house is full of toys, there are dishes in the sink often, laundry is being done almost constantly. I have to cook dinner every night, give baths, see that showers are taken, help with home work, opine on the outfit for the next day,.and of course to a kid..these things can’t wait but have to be talked through right them beofre school the next day! I take splinters out, listen to boy or friend problems and play the occasional game of Candyland, Yahtzee or clue. My kids talk to me about what’s going on, they teach me the latest social media stuff and lingo and keep me current. A few nights ago as one of my girls was asking for my help with a poetry assignment, I could tell by the comments my Mother was making out loud that not only is my parenting experience vastly different than hers was, but she strains to tolerate it. I’ll admit that at times the constant competition for my attention, while the pots are boiling and the tvs are going amidst the chaos can make even me crazy. My poor Mother can really only take my life in small doses then has to retreat to the quiet of her own space. It’s just too much for her to be around for long periods of time, partially because she isn’t used to it and I think partially because she can’t control everybody. She craves order and quiet…neither one of which she gets at my house!
My kids sit on me, climb on me, smack my back side when they walk by. They drink from my cups, taste the food on my plate. They wear my stuff. I do loads of laundry, tons of dishes..I don’t have a housekeeper like my Mother does, the housekeeper is me. My kids play in the house, make a lot of noise, eat and drink almost constantly and have to be reminded to pick up after themselves. They watch tv shows in the hearth room of the kitchen while I cook. They talk almost constantly too. The older ones play sports, have late practices and games and when they get home they want to eat, complain a little, go get a shower, do homework and just want to get to bed. I get that, my Mother is insulted I think because they don’t sit and give her much attention at times nor does she see me get any. She finds it rude of them. We’ve taken her to games where she tries to have a good time but also complains about the school playing music during the games and it all being so loud. I can spend three hours cleaning because I know she’s coming, and she’ll sit down and say oh there’s pet hair on that pillow, or can I get a sponge, this counter top is filthy. I fretted for years about pleasing my Mom in these ways. I’ve come to accept that me and my life will never be up to my Mother’s standards but you know, that’s ok. I like the kind of Mom I am and I think I have perfectly normal kids in a kid friendly crazy house and I like that! I’ll have quiet later maybe and when I do, I’m sure part of me will long for the days when I didn’t.
Lessons learned
I think most of us probably feel like we fall short of our parent’s expectations somehow. Let yourself off the hook. Just do your thing, live a good life and if that’s not good enough, then there’s nothing you’ll ever do that is. This is huge for me to say, believe me!
Kids are kids. Yes you can subdue them into quiet. You can constantly say don’t and no and shh and stop and quit and never…if you want to. Or…..
Houses with families inside get cluttered, out of order and messy. Unless you have a maid, dishes don’t always get done the second someone puts one down, there is probably pet hair and dust somewhere if you want to go looking for it. There is probably laundry to be done, toys and shoes to be picked up and not everything will be in place at all times. But I do read to my youngest child, attend musicals, go to games, watch a program together with them once in a while, help with their homework, just talk or go out for ice cream instead of spend every waking hour cleaning or making them do it. You know what? I finally understand that it’s ok. I choose to be involved with my kids and sometimes you just have to let something else go for a bit. Oh well. Sorry Martha!
My late husband’s Aunt told me once that she was made to feel bad by my former Mother in law that she’d taken him tad pole hunting yet had a messy kitchen..she said to her sister in law…you know what, he won’t remember I had dishes to be done. He will remember we spotted birds together and hunted tad poles, raised them into frogs. You know..he told me stories..remembering those times with her and her fondly, so I know she was right. I want my kids to remember me like that. You know?
Good StepMom
