What a disaster…
Aside from being a lesson in how maybe not to tell your Steps you are expecting an addition to your family, this is as much about just how hurtful your Step kids can be.
I really thought I had written this post, in order…after we got married and all…but I looked and think somehow I didn’t. So I know this is out of order, but I felt it important to share. You might find yourself in the position of deciding to add to your ready made family someday. I wanted to share my experience.
I was 48 years old and the time to have my own biological child was winding down. My husband and I had actually started talking about it after we became serious…he was all for it, but was understandably concerned that my health would be at risk. If that were considered and everything else being equal, he was on board. I had spent the years shortly after becoming a widow working out regularly and eating right so other than the fact that I had high blood pressure, I actually was in better shape than many women my age and younger, I suppose. We made the decision to try in earnest, to see what happened. We gave ourselves 6 months naturally, without assistance to see if we would be successful. We weren’t. We sought the assistance of a reproductive group near where we live. I did a lot of research, Long story longer, these wonderful and talented people helped us do what we couldnt do on our own and we were extremely fortunate the first time out of the gate to get pregnant. We were so happy and I was over joyed.
We kept things quiet because I was so high risk; no need getting anyone excited nor let the news out given our odds. That was hard. We told my Mother and that was about it until I was 4 months along. The time came to tell the kids. We were excited and scared. We didn’t know what they would think necessarily, though at times every one of them had asked us if we planned to have children. After we told the kids, then we figured we would tell other family members and then my employer, friends etc etc.
My poor husband had in his head that we would all go out to a nice dinner and he’d spring the news on the kids and it would be great. I just knew, I felt in my bones, that telling them this news in a public place wasn’t a good idea, but I didn’t want to push it too much with my husband. He was their Father. So we found ourselves at a local Mexican joint, we finished a nice meal and he started in. The news was not only not well received, but publicly so. I was on the verge of tears, the drive home was very quiet.
We got home and we all went to the family room to continue, and this is where it got really ugly. I sat there, while my husband opened the floor for discussion. Our eldest son sat rather quietly. The girls were all but quiet. They proceeded to let it be known all the reasons they thought this was a bad idea. I will never never ever forget our youngest twin looking at me and saying, do you realize that this “creature” is going to change everything. You don’t have enough time or money as it is…what about our soccer…what about our…At this point I had reached my peak, I excused myself and left him to handle it. Our son did manage to mutter congratulations to me before I went up to my room.
They were downstairs for quite a while after that. I didn’t care to hear anything else they had to say. While true, I was the adult and ever mindful of taking care of their little psyches and considering their feelings, I was absolutely mortified at their reaction. I had no words. It never once occurred to these kids how I/we might be feeling and that maybe just maybe they might be hurting our/my feelings. Unbelievable, unacceptable, inexcusable and unfortunately to me, unforgettable. Here I was at the most important point in my life and this is what I got.
My husband really was in the middle but he sided more with them, trying to get me to understand their reaction. I guess he had to take that approach, but it seemed a betrayal to me.
It was a good thing they went to their Mother’s the next day. Ever mindful of her feelings, we had told her already before we told them, so that she was prepared. Couple of days later our oldest girl contacted us both and apologized for her reaction, told us she was happy for us and looking forward to the little one. I really needed that. Our other daughter, later I guess, also apologized to her Dad but never did to me. She was the one who called my baby a creature. I’m sorry but I think to this day, if she didn’t apologize to me too, it doesn’t count. It has on some level affected how I feel about her to this day.
None of the kids really wanted to be involved with my pregnancy. None of them ever asked me how I was feeling, none of them ever offered an extra hand…none altered their behavior in any way. I felt very unspecial. I’m sorry if it sounds like I feel sorry for myself on this one, but I sort of do. I’ll not experience that ever again and I was made to feel that my pregnancy was no big deal to any of them.
When the baby arrived, our son was distant, our girls were interested at last. Now three years later they are like second Mamas to our boy. Its all going to be fine, but boy it sure was hard to go through.
Lessons learned
- I think maybe we have failed in teaching our children that other people have feelings.
- While I’m sure it is normal for children to have somewhat of a self centered view of the world, this exemplifies the very worst it can be. I don’t really know how you teach your children empathy, yet somehow I have it, so my parents managed. I can promise you that I will take great efforts to teach our boy this skill.
- Parents are human and have feelings. I learned from this experience that sometimes it takes everything you’ve got to not hold things your kids do against them. Though there is part of me that will never get over the things the kids said to me and their utter lack of regard for how that might make their pregnant Step mother feel, I knew I had to get past it with them somehow. I prayed about it and reminded myself that sometimes good people do bad things.
- If you and your Step kids’ Father decide to add to your family and have children of your own, when it comes time to tell your Step kids, be ready for the fact that your good news may not initially be well received. If you’re ready for that it won’t hurt as much maybe.
Good Step Mom.
