I make up words sometimes and I was thinking….I have/had Step parents, have step brothers, have been a step daughter, have step children…and when I really think about it, I have a step-ex. It is a unique relationship for sure, but a relationship none the less. Like any other relationship it takes some amount of effort. I don’t know if she ever does the same for me, but at times, I have her back and she doesn’t even known it, probably never will. I guess that isn’t really the point, the point is that I try to do the right thing. In helping steer our children through life, there are times when the right thing to do is hear them out, but come down on the side of supporting and backing their Mother. Allow me to illustrate.
Our daughters came home the other day from their Mother’s and start in immediately about their Mother and her significant other. I must admit I was slightly amused at first; this guy has nothing on me with respect to earning his place in the family, but I digress. I looked at my husband, standing in the kitchen listening and I couldn’t help but notice the slight grin on his face, he had his reasons I guess. I am doing what it seems I do about 50% of my waking hours, cooking, and one of our daughters says to me, Christy. You know what really sucks? It’s when you realize where your Mother’s loyalties lie and it isn’t with you! What are you talking about, I said. We knew they had already lost their driving privileges for a week whilevat their Moms, though we weren’t clued in as to why. Both girls then begin to tell a tale of how one of them couldn’t find her keysand asked her Mother where they were then got yelled at by the boyfriend for being disrespectful…..ya da ya da. When they paused to draw in air, I asked them, girls stop and think, is it possible you were speaking to your Mother in a way that could have been interpreted as disrespectful? No way, they said with righteous indignation, we weren’t even talking to Mom when he yelled at us.
Some background if I may. My Step-ex had a SO when I first came onto the scene. For reasons I shall keep private, let’s just say he was never going to be accepted by my husband as a viable part of the family dynamic and from my limited exposure to the man, I wasn’t impressed. Things led to things and after a few years that relationship ended. My Step-ex was alone for a short time, then she met her current partner. They worked together and to her credit I’m told, after they became an item she sought work elsewhere. We actually like this fellow, he has some maturity on him, has always been friendly and respectful to my husband and to me, he seems to treat our children and their Mother well, what else can we say? Well he moved in to their house eventually and so now, when the girls go to Moms they are going to his home too. So back to my story.
I said are you certain? Because I have over heard you ladies speaking to your Mother myself, I know you two because you live here and I know how you can be. I also know that the translation for “he was yelling at us” could very well be he was telling us something we didn’t want to hear. They insisted he had been in the wrong. One of our daughters said, I mean he’s not our Father,,so he needs to stop acting like he is. To her credit, our other daughter said..well he does do a lot of nice things for us and he does pay the bills….so it is his home too and he should have some say. There you go. I was listening to them but also having flashbacks of my feelings about my own Step Father…”he isn’t my Dad” just rang through my head. I heard them out, and then when I knew they had spent themselves, I gave them my two cents,
First I said girls, one day you may realize this, but comparatively speaking, raising a teenaged girl is hard. Raising two is harder. Our friend here has no children of his own. He has one grown Step-son from his previous marriage, so this is all new to him. One of our girls said, “but it wasn’t like this with you Christy, you were different”. I was thankful that was her memory, but I said girls, you can’t really compare us, you were only 10 years old when I came along. You’re 16 when this fellow comes along. Big difference. You were willing to take my instruction, now you have a hard time taking anyone’s instruction. You might want to consider giving this man a break. Because I was a child with Step influence, I know I tried extra hard to be sensitive HOW I gave my instruction. This fellow had a Mother and Father who remained married unti parted by death late in their lives. I said perhaps his delivery isn’t as smooth as it could be if he had our same experience…but with parents married forever, he was doing the best he knew how. I also said remember girls, you are 17 years old and it won’t be long before you’re out and about with no time for us much, your Mom has found somebody and seems to be happy. Don’t you want to help her with this so that when you’re gone she has someone? How much of what I said sunk in I have no way of knowing, but I tried my best to get them to see this from their Mother’s perspective.
To his credit I found out a couple of days later, my husband took our particularly obstinate daughter down to his office and spent quite a while doing the same thing. This is when I’m most proud of his ability to be an ex…he really does stick up for her at times. Through all the fussing and feuding, he’s done that periodically ever since I’ve been around them.
Lessons learned
Coming into a family as an extra parent is hard. If you want to just date, then just date. If you opt to move in with a person who has children who live with you or live with you part of the time, it’s a commitment or it should be. And with that, some amount of parenting of the children is probably required.
Children need to know their place. We’ve gotten away from that as a society and we all pay for it. I’m not envisioning a world where kids never speak and are treated as chore doers and nothing more. I’m talking about recognition of the place of a child’s relative to the rights of an adult…especially an adult who contributes to supporting them. I believe the adult deserves automatic respect unless and until they have proven in some way that it isn’t deserved.
Parents should back each other. Whether its Mom’s SO or me, who call the kids out when they deserve it, and point out to them when they are being disrespectful…or whether it’s the kid’s parents sticking up for us…we all should get the backs of the others. To do otherwise is to leave ourselves vulnerable. And again, ultimately the children will pay…even if the cost is just not turning out to be the people they could have had their parents actually steered the danged boat
The kids do the best they can. In lending a hand, giving instruction or doling out discipline, we should remember ; being a kid is tough at times especially as they get older….I know they test the best of us but they are kids; we were allowed to botch up…and so should they be. We do wear the bigger pants!
Good Stepmom
