I don’t have much recall of our son asking permission to do things till he began driving and seeing girls; no sleep overs, only a rare guest over, didn’t ask for anything much. Anyway not much practice at telling him No. I think the one or two times we had an opportunity to say it though, and didn’t we were sorry.
The girls, for the last seven years have constantly asked if they could do this or that…have this or that, it has been absolutely exhausting. Every single weekend during school and every night during breaks, this is their mantra. I’d say 98% of the time their Dad’s answer is yes. I wonder what would happen if just once in a while, unpredictablly the answer were no. Would in fact, the earth split open and suck us all down into the hot molten core? Probably not.
Let’s take driving for example. We live in a town about 1/2 hr from a major metro area. The driving experience, plus the amount of trouble they can get into is like triple compared to where we live. Our oldest son, with no concept of what driving in heavy traffic was like says to his Dad…Dad can I drive to xyz?. Dad said no and explained why. Son didn’t like it, grumbled a little and that was it. No meant no. It snows and gets icy. Dad can I go see my girlfriend? Dad says no. There was a little pleading, not overly so…Dad explained why and that was that. He asked to drive his car to something in another town and my husband, not thinking our son was really ready for that told him no. When our son asked permission to do something and the answer was no, it was pretty much a done deal. He had other issues to be sure, but at least he respected and understood that no meant no.
Our girls. The seekers of knowledge I guess, as their first response to any denial is always why. They must know why. The badgers. The debaters, the arguers, the manipulators, the pouters. I asked them once to research what a badger is and what they look like. They failed to get back to me. Years ago, I attempted to teach my girls how to deal effectively with their Father and ask straight forward questions but to accept the answers. I told them that to ask the question then back off and give their Dad time to ponder is always the best approach. Our girls heard me, they just don’t apply it. Our daughter, pick either because in this case they are interchangeable, after an explanation of a denial is forthcoming, inevitably the plead comes. When the answer to the question doesn’t change, the debate ensues. She must persuade her Dad to see things her way, listen to reason, when that isn’t effective we then get the anger, stomping off, slamming doors whichever. Then after that, she’ll repeat steps 2-5 and finally we move to pouting. After that is done, she then comes to me to ask me to try to get Dad to see the light. Now sometimes I do go talk to him. When it comes to our daughters my husband can be quite overprotective, or he over reacts at times. When I read he may be doing one of these two things I will say something, I’d say my success rate with him on the girl’s behalf is about 50/50 maybe a little better. But if I don’t think their Dad is being unreasonable, or if I know he feels strongly about something I back him and nip it there. The girls don’t give up on something until they have exhausted all possible routes. Later in life, this skill set may be helpful to them, but right now, within our family…not so much. It’s exasperating!
Dad, can I go…no…why? Dad, can my boyfriend come over even though it’s past 10pm, no…why? Dad, I need a new cell phone…no…why?…Dad my friend wants to know if….no…why? The flip side of this coin is that really my husband, in my opinion, doesn’t say no often enough. These girls get danged near everything they ask for or want. No is good once in a while if for no other reason than keeping one of these kids’ feet planted on the ground.
We have a toddler, almost three. When we tell him no he doesn’t listen…doesn’t hear it…just goes on until he ends up wearing out our last nerve, then he makes us mad and he gets in trouble. I can only infer that our oldest son was the same way…though from what I hear, a tad more compliant than our current little one. Our oldest boy did eventually get what no meant. It occurs to me that our now almost 17 year old daughters developed to the point that they did understand, for about a year, then they regressed…forgot all they knew about the word no and at this time are about at the same level as their little brother. Same as our toddler. Don’t hear it, don’t listen, argue, don’t listen, argue, parents get worn out, they get in trouble. I love these girls, but I wish upon them twin girls…then and I think only then will they truly understand our experience and that they were fortunate their parents weren’t prone to violence or they might not have made it.
Lessons learned
If at any time in your children’s development you show them no means maybe or possibly, you are not doing anyone a favor. You will regret it.
You have to be firm and hold your ground. No means no and it isn’t negotiable. Mom won’t undo Dad, Dad won’t undo Mom and Step Mom won’t undo Dad.
I always knew that the best things often take the most effort. Once I became a step parent I was reminded. It would be so easy to just cave in to these kids. Unfortunately I think lots of parent’s do….it is exhausting to work all day and come home to have to fight these battles. I believe though that it is crucial to your children’s development as decent human beings that they know who the boss is. We are, they aren’t….it really isn’t all about them. The more often they are reminded of that the more tolerable as adults they will be. They will be better friends, better employees, better citizens, better life’ partners and better parents themselves, as a result.
I learned in social science a theory on male/female differences when it comes to dealing with the world. It went like this. In our society, since it has always been acceptable for men to exert their will and power to influence their world, boys learn to be direct. I like you or I don’t. If you don’t believe me I don’t really care. If you don’t want to see me any more….ok. If you tell me no, I probably won’t like it, but I’m already moving on to something else. Traditionally women were never given overt power, so they had to develop more indirect methods for getting what they want So women became manipulative. We go at things less directly to get what we want. Both methods are effective. I have come to believe this…and I see it in my daughters all the time. So watch the girls, they are going to take a lot more patience, energy and effort!
Good StepMom
