As a reminder we have twins, girls of a divorce who have shuffled back and forth from their Mother’s house to the Father’s house for years. I had to grow up the same way. I believe our arrangement was easier. We spent all week with my Dad and every weekend with my Mom. Then all summer every summer back down south with extended family. There were exceptions as needed but for the most part our time was in chunks so it was easier for everyone to get used to. These kids have a whack schedule to be sure. One day out of the blue, one of our girls tells her Dad that she doesn’t want to go back to her Mother’s house. Oh boy. After making the obvious inquiries, is their something going on that you need to talk about, are you and your Mother arguing, is it your sister, is it because your Mom’s boyfriend has moved in? All we could get out of her was that she got more of a sense of family at our place than she did at her Mothers. Some background for context. In the dynamic of the oldest boy, these two girls, their Mother and their Father, alliances formed. I get this from a combination of my own observations and what I’ve been told. First, Dad favors one girl over the other, at least he did in the early years; I believe subconsciously but it was evident, even to me. I believe to compensate for that, when this girl is at her Mother’s house, her Mother is extra hard on her and soft on the other sister. Since one girl (the pleaser) would shine her older brother’s shoes if he’d just pay her some attention, she and he formed an alliance to the exclusion of the other sibling. So this gal had not one, two but three people coming out against her most of the time. Whether because of this or not, she has developed a smart ass wit and mouth and plenty of attitude at times and I do not think it has served her well. Be that as it may, this is the daughter who said she didn’t want to go back and wanted to stay at our place. She is especially close with our little boy, and we thought that now seeing him get old enough to say things like where did sissy go, she also was missing him when she was at her Mom’s house.
A series of discussions took place between the parents. Mother was understandably upset, Dad was taking a low road approach, though he insisted on family counseling as a condition of making what he hoped was a temporary arrangement. I say that, not because he didn’t want her around all the time, but because he knew this was going to have a big impact on her relationship with her Mother and he regretted that for both of them. I thought it was a smart thing for him to do. The counseling came and went, not to any real result, and she moved in with us full time. Now interestingly enough it never once occurred to my husband to ask me how I felt about this. I see that two ways. One, it’s just symptomatic of the life of a StepMom. Being all in, meant that, so it never even occured to him that I’d have anything to say about it. After all, my life was about to change too. So I guess on the one hand I felt totally disincluded and on the other hand, I felt like I must be so accepted in my role by this time that no one gave it a thought. I reckon that’s a testament to me. But what was really going on?
There is an obvious difference between the two homes. More rules at our house, chores at their Mothers. Their own rooms at our house, shared quarters at their Mothers. More room for guests, friends, get togethers, more to do probably at our house vs their Mothers but all this superficial stuff couldn’t be the reason for her to upset the apple cart like that. She had to appreciate how this was making her Mother feel and maybe that’s it in a nutshell, she just wanted to hurt her Mother.
So she comes to stay and this was in October of that year. There were several events and a couple of mile stone occasions that happened during this stretch of time. Each time her Mother made it clear she considered me as having it all taken care of and she was bowing out; guilt producing utterances from someone whose feelings were obviously hurt. Still…during this time I tried my dead level best to not tread on her territory but by the same token, our daughter was in our home full time now, so I’d say stepping it up a bit on my part was almost required.
This had an impact on our other daughter for sure. On the one hand we think she was just lapping up the extra attention from their Mother. She continued with the regular rotation but continuously showed up with new clothes, accessories, shoes. It was so obvious what their Mother was doing. The girl staying with us saw through it, our other daughter didn’t care because she was benefiting all over the place. She developed a snotty little attitude during this time, oddly enough even toward her Mother. When the girls were at our house simultaneously you could just feel the tension between them. During this time, there was an incident where their Dad caught daughter number two (normally the pleaser) lying to him. He responded with anger, and volume and delivery of a consequence. So she plays the I want to stay at Mom’s house card. Naturally, in imitation of her sister, she attempted to set up camp at the other house where coincidently there was less adult supervision and more lax rules. Ultimately my husband told her that if she was so miserable and it was clear from the constant ugliness she intended to make us all that way then fine, she should go to her Mothers but that it would be a permanent move. She had her Mom come get her to go think about it all. I was proud of him for taking a stand with her, she was out of hand and out of control.
Their Dad had shared with me long before all this, as he watched his Sister’s daughter play her divorced parents off each other and constantly stomp on her Mother’s heart that his children would not be allowed to do such things. In that case, every time his niece got upset or didn’t get her way, she’d pack her back and stomp out saying she was going to the other parent. They never put an end to it and she did it constantly all the years up until she got out on her own. It was pure manipulation and avoidance of being parented at its finest. It is with this background that he put his foot down that night. She ended up coming back and stepping more in line.
So for nine months we went along this way. Comes time for Mother to go on vacation down to the beach and she understandably wants all her kids to go. So that’s what happened. While gone our daughter missed her new boyfriend so much she of course thought she’d die. When she returned she was allowed to go somewhere with him but got caught in a lie by her Dad which the girls knew always resulted in a stiff consequence. So she got grounded for a month, limited cell use, and only able to see him in our home with supervision. I didn’t think the terms ofbher sentence were all that bad. Subsequently our daughter decides that she wants to step back into the weekly rotation with her sister and start staying part of the time at her Mother’s house again. Both my husband and I found this interesting given the fact that this girl had shared with us that her room at her mothers had been given away, her things packed away and moved; that she was made to feel an outsider at her Moms and though she just couldn’t quite put her finger on it she was so much more comfortable at our house. When she approached me first about this revelation, she told me that being away with her Mother on vacation had made her realize that she missed her and that she was thinking about how much she had hurt her Mother’s feelings and that she was thinking maybe she ought to go back to living in both houses. I said I thought that she probably did miss her Mom and that her Dad and I had always hoped she would resolve whatever issue she was having with her and figure it out. She gave me that silent hesitation I had learned through the years for each girl as meaning will you tell Dad. What I had always just seemed to do naturally for all the kids was outline a situation to their Father, prep him if you will, then urge the child to go do their own bidding, that their Dad’s ears were open. It was sort of like briefing the Godfather for a visit from someone seeking a favor…sort of like that. In my chat with my husband he right away said to me that’s bull, she’s just reacting to her disciplinary action here, and decided she wants to go back where there’s less structure and fewer rules. Oh, hadn’t thought of that. I said yes, could be too some truth in what she’s saying though, just lousy timing.
Our daughter had her talk with her Father. She then came to me to relay his thoughts on the matter and attempt to convince me that it was all wrong. I listened then said you know, give your Dad a while. I imagine the truth of the matter is somehow woven up through the middle but he’ll come around and we’ll figure it out. After a few days she stepped back into rotation like she never missed a week and still today she goes back and forth. My husband told her, like he did her sister, decide…but you live with the decision, there will be no back and forth. I understand and respect his reasons why. I think the girls too understand now that it’s better to work through your issues than to run away from them, and it’s not ok to hurt your parent’s feelings while you’re trying to figure it all out.
Lessons learned
Though remarkably adaptable, we shouldn’t forget that living in a split fashion isn’t necessarily easy for the kids. Even though they get used to it, this doesn’t mean that it comes naturally to them. Sometimes you just need to step back and give them a break.
Arrangements or visitation schedules as some call them are artificially created timetables for how life is supposed to roll out. Between two parents who can’t cooperate, this can be a useful tool. You still have to cooperate at times though. If you can’t do that, your children will pay the price.
As the children get older, they really get tired of the whole back and forth thing, just get ready for that. Who can blame them? Wouldn’t you want your stuff where you need it when you want it and not have to think about which house you have this and that at or which house allows certain things and which doesn’t?
Taking a lesson from my husband, I feel strongly that while you want to ensure your kids know they are always welcome, it does no one any good to allow the kids this migration from parent to parent in an attempt to get what they want. It is divisive and the ultimate in manipulation, don’t fall for it. If you start down that road, it’ll be next to impossible to go back.
Again, taking a lesson from my husband, sometimes you just have to give the kids time to figure things out.
Good Step Mom
