I have mentioned in a couple of posts that my husband has rules when it comes to the children, and THAT he does. They aren’t always taken seriously by them or followed and I think he gives a lot of latitude to them before he cracks his whip. When he cracks it, he cracks it loudly and the effects are felt for a while. I’m different than that. I don’t have the tolerance for their insubordination that he does. But this is tricky because I’m the Step Mother. When he disagrees with me and thinks I’m being too hard on the kids he’ll tell me so. However, and to his credit, he knows that I really am a very patient person with an eternally half full glass, so when I’m moved to say something on a matter, he listens and often marches forth privately and sides with me on what he says to the kids. I write more now about our girls because our oldest has been away at College for a couple of years now. I’ll still include him now and again, but too, I have lived with the girls for longer so my focus has shifted to them. He wasn’t and isn’t immune to my question of what the heck happened to acting in a proper manner? And for what I’m seeing with his friends (most) and our girls and their friends (most), our kids certainly aren’t unique. It seems that while we’ve been, as a society, all wrapped up in political correctness and putting our kids first, somewhere along the way we have forgotten to instill in them at an early age how the heck to act.
I’ll remind you that I have Southern roots. So this is important to me and has, from time to time, been a source of tension between me and my husband and the older children. But I’m right on this, nuff said! I think that if we don’t teach our young people the social graces, to say please, excuse me and thank you, to have an automatic respect for those older than them, to speak when spoken to, to shake hands when appropriate, how to engage in conversation with those around you and what to do and not to do in public, we are just flat letting them down. How are these folks to be successful in relationships, in interviews, on the job, as citizens and as parents one day themselves, if we don’t show them these things? I mean, do you want to live in a society that one day will pretty much be in the hands of these socially bankrupt people? Not me! So as for me in our little corner of the world, I still wave this banner. It’s not that my husband disagrees, it’s just that unfortunately while he and his ex -wife were so busy being mad at each other and coping with their split, the kids just sort of floundered in this area. And our kids aren’t unique in this, its generational I’m afraid. Add to all this that, according to my husband, the kids Mother does not share my views on the whole manners thing it makes it more difficult because once again there is inconsistent enforcement of the practice. And mind you, this is something I think that now I can see she pays for from time to time and I think she would admit same if she were being honest and objective about it.
I can go on and on about this but I’ll hold myself to talking about just these few elements of social grace. Saying thank you. Speaking to adults when in their presence. Respect for elders. Speaking when spoken to. Cell phones and finally proper behavior between girls and boys when in their parents homes.
Saying thank you. It is incomprehensible to me that someone beyond the age of one and a half wouldn’t routinely do this. Yet I’ve seen it. When I first came into my Step-kids’ lives, I was blown away at the number of things I saw done for them, or I’d do for them with absolutely nothing said. Not even a grunt. To their credit, the kids were always accepting of me and of receiving feedback and correction from me, even when their Dad and I were just dating. I couldn’t stand it, and very early on I called them on it and often. I accompanied my husband and the kids to a bike shop one summer day where he took the time and expense to have each one of them fitted for a brand new mountain bike so we could all go riding and they could have a way to get around. We loaded those children into our new van, along with three brand new bikes. I waited a full five minutes and not one of them said a danged thing to their Dad. I wheeled around on them like lint on a black sweater and scolded them right there and then, telling them that this was exactly what I had been talking about, that if it had been up to me, we would have turned around and taken the danged things back. He got a mumbled and ashamed thank you. Unbelievable. My displeasure with their entitlement mentality was pointed and obvious. From that day forward they got better. Usually I would say thank you to my husband for dinner, or a game or whatever, then they’d chime in too. Like I said, they’ve gotten much better now and if I just wait a minute, they’ll usually pull through unprompted. They all also got my lessons on the art of writing thank you cards for gifts they received. They had never been made to do them before, they do them now by George. I told them that it is proper to acknowledge something someone does for you and that not only is it appreciated, but it says something about your character. They call these the entitlement generations. It’s unfortunately so true. I have to agree with my husband on this. He said that parents have been guilty of putting their kids first for so long, that the kids have come to actually believe they are all that matters. Well may be, but I don’t think so! Not if and when I can help it, not kids who are, in part, my responsibility and are tied to and associated to some degree with me. Social graces do matter. To illustrate my point, I just started a job a little while back, after pulling out of the work force for a while to focus on home and family. I’m their Human Resources person. Guess what’s in my personnel folder? My thank you card I sent after my interview. Nuff said!
Actually speaking to adults when in their presence, speaking when spoken to, and respect for elders are all intertwined if you ask me. Once back years ago when the kids were much younger, and would have friends over, I would observe time and again that these young people just hadn’t a clue. Our son had a couple of buddies who did know how to act, and though I was only able to meet the parents of one of those young men, I made sure they knew how very much I appreciated that their son was so well mannered. Props dang it! I hate to say this but I will. Our kids all went to Catholic school until they went to Junior High. They had to cross over into public school as a matter of proximity to a continuing Catholic program and affordability. When the kids were younger, their circle of friends came from that background and frankly they all had better manners than I witnessed of their peer group once they entered public school and their circle of friends widened. Our girls once walked through our kitchen as I was cooking dinner with three or four other girls I didn’t know. Our girls said hey to me but not one of those girls who traipsed through my house said one word to me. Not when they entered not when they left. Wow. I said to our girls at dinner that night what my feelings were on that, and made them promise me that they didn’t act that way when in someone elses home. As they have gotten older, I have seen that a couple of their friends have actually been raised to known how to act, sadly most though have not. I do get compliments from people about our girls in regard to how they act in public, yes and thank you Lord!! I have even had occasion to provide a meal for a group of girls (after the 16th birthday sleep over for example) and some of those girls sat and ate my food, never spoke, never thanked me, never said good bye, just left. Wow. I’d say their parents would be so proud, but I truly think if they had that kind of parent they wouldn’t be this sort of kid, so nevermind that!
I can’t tell you in the beginning, how many times I spoke to the kids, or maybe my Mother did, or their Father did and they wouldn’t even look up from whatever they were doing, no acknowledgement at all. Bull. Not ok! After hearing me go on for a while, they got better at this too. It is rude to act as if someone isn’t in the room or speaking to you. I mean in what way is that ok? It’s not. Nuff said!
Respect for your elders. I have tried to teach our kids it is expected that you open a door for or give up your seat to someone who is older than you, every time. They may decline and that’s ok, but you do it. Why? Because likely they have earned it. I taught our kids that, you know what, it isn’t ok for you to just receive and receive and receive and not so much as make your Mother a Mother’s Day card or your Dad a Fathers Day card, acknowledge their birthdays and get them a little something for Christmas. When I came along they were so lazy in this regard, I mean they truly hadn’t a clue. Well they started to get one. This is where I say their Mother is seeing the effect of not teaching these things to her kids. More than once, when they’d be with her on Mother’s Day or on her birthday I’d ask them or we would, what they did for her and I’d just get that blank stare and they’d say nothing. Bull. Not ok. She may have no idea why, other than assuming maturity is responsible for change in the children’s behavior in this area, but if you ask them they’ll tell you, it was that danged Step Mother of theirs!
Cell phones, do I need to say it? Apparently with our kids I do. Being on the phone at the dinner table is a no. Taking a call while eating a meal, unless it’s a true emergency, is a no. Taking your cell phone and speaking on it or texting on it while taking care of whatever took you into the bathroom in the first place would be a no. Being on it past 10pm is a no. Let common sense prevail I say!
And lastly we come to what’s proper between girls and boys in public or in their respective homes. When in public if you’all want to hold hands great, if you want to walk as if you are twins from Siam that’s ok too, I guess. If you want to peck each other that’s ok too, situation depending of course. That tongue had better stay where it belongs, in your mouth and not in anyone else’s. Ok having said that. I observed on a couple of occasions our son and his girlfriend laying on the couch downstairs. I don’t want to be a prude, but ok to a point, then not ok. In his case, he wasn’t home all that much longer and he was giving my husband so many more things to rail on him about I didn’t push it. I will say though, that one Thanksgiving meal, he invited her to our home, and during our meal, right in front of his younger and highly impressionable sisters and in front of me, what ought to have been a peck turned into a stinking tongue fest. Once I picked my jaw up off the table, I walked away. I later discussed my disgust with my husband. You know, I realize it’s probably sexist of me but that moment something happened to my view of that girl. I still struggle with it. Rolling forward to our girls. In our home we have a Rec room in the basement: kitchenette, bar, pool table, dart board, chess table, video area. Once our girls started to entertain, both because my husband regularly patrols and makes sure he finds a pressing reason to go into his office every now and again and because our girls still tattle on each other, Dad has now banned couples from the basement. However, not to be undone, I witnessed on more than one occasion the girls and their boyfriends laying prone on the sofa in our living room, or on our oversized beanbag almost right in front of us and in front of our little boy. I’m sorry, it just made me uncomfortable on several levels. I approached their Dad about it and asked him didn’t it bother him. He admitted it did, to which I said well….and to his credit he had a chat to the girls after I said something, that it wasn’t appropriate for them to do that in our home. Attaboy!!
Lessons learned
I think a lot of newer things and newer ways are cool. Not all of them though. It dawned on me pretty early on that as a StepMother I had a responsibility and duty not to sit idly by and be disappointed with the behavior of these children. I had no interest being a party to raising a self absorbed, selfish, thoughtless and socially inadequate group of young people. So I spoke up. I’m glad I did and I’m fortunate my husband appreciated my efforts.
It ain’t easy to turn behavior around once it’s headed a certain direction but it can be done. It takes patience, consistency and frankly expecting better. It helps now for the older ones to see these same lessons being imparted on their baby brother and what’s better and even more gratifying to me is when I over hear them schooling him in good manners….Eureka!!!
I have to give what I expect. I try to respect the kids. Their opinions, their ideas, their privacy. When I ask them to do something I say please, when I receive I say thank you. They see me writing thank you cards and that baby boy already sends them with help of course. I don’t use my phone at times and in ways I have told them not to, I don’t lounge around all over their Dad when they are around, though I’m married to the man and I’m in my own home. They see me respect older folks and do the same things we’ve schooled them in. They see their Dad walk older folks to assist as needed, help them into vehicles, give up a seat…you gotta practice what you preach or you’re just all blow!
Good Stepmom
Sent from the iPad of Christy Campbell
