My husband first came into our oldest son’s life when the boy was about 2 1/2 years old, having met, dated and ultimately married his Mother. The boy’s biological Father lived in the area but was not involved. So my husband is the only Father this boy ever really had. After years and years of struggle with the biological Father throwing road blocks in the way, he was finally able to officially adopt the boy when he was 12 years of age.
When I first met this boy he was 14 years old. It may seem totally trivial and stupid, but that night when I was first invited to their home, I was lead into the living room and was left there alone for a minute. I had a seat, there were toys, book bags, all kinds of stuff in the living room. He came into the room, sheepishly said Hi and I said “I’m sorry if I sat in your spot.” He smiled and said no that’s ok, I can sit over here. You know, he and I hit it off right from the start. I can’t help but think that my deferring to him that very first night helped set the tone between the two of us. Let’s face it, as eldest child, it was important that he and I get along. He also had a great deal of influence over his sisters, still does. I would go over there, and make football food on a Saturday or Sunday, and before I knew it, he was bringing a blanket over and flaking on the sofa with me. I think in his way, he was showing acceptance. More than once as I pulled away from the house, he would run after my car all the way down the street. It was cute. It only lasted for a short while, but this is how we started.
We got engaged, all moved in together and he soon changed from this fairly sweet boy into someone I didn’t know. Caught him cascading right into teenagedom!!! There were periodic moments when that nice boy would make a reappearance. I missed him. We had moments when we were close. The two of us chose a special song, and he took ballroom dancing lessons with me, we cha cha’d at the wedding. I helped him out from time to time. I helped him study a time or two, tried to shoot basketball and run a soccer ball with him a time or two though he told me I was really bad. I cooked for his team dinners, at his final soccer game in High School I went alone to make sure he was represented by family because his Father was out of town on business and we weren’t sure his Mother was going to make it. She did, so I just stayed in the background, but I know he knew I was there. There were also some really tense times. I’m not certain if all teenaged boys go through this kind of thing, but from the age of about 15 until 17…right before he left for college, I would not have given you a nickel for him. It started slowly, less and less time spent upstairs with us and more time down in the dungeon by himself, increased video game play (war games), out of control text messaging against directives and at all hours, not speaking when spoken to, no thank yous for anything ever. No effort to do anything for any of us on special occasions. We would travel to a different town to watch this kid play soccer, and I can’t tell you how many times we didn’t even get spoken to. There were loud arguments between he and his Dad, his Dad trying to get across to him that he was being totally disrespectful and we weren’t going to stand for it. There were times when he was this way in front of our friends and once even at my Boss’s house where he said things to his Dad that to be honest, he deserved to be slapped in the mouth for. He had stopped relating to his sisters in any positive way that we could detect. The one thing I can say for him is that he did always have a job. Although he had a few, was let go from each one, could have been the attitude, we were never really sure. Things got so bad at home, that finally my husband had a serious heart to heart with him and told him that if he couldn’t show respect for the rest of us, then it might be best if he just moved in permanently with his Mother. He told him that the constant tension and bickering wasn’t healthy for the rest of the family. Good for my husband I thought! Our son’s response was “so, you’re kicking me out?”. My husband repeated that he had a decision to make, plain and simple. Join us, change the behavior or move out.
From that point forward we detected some change in our son. He was getting out more, spending more time doing what he wanted to do, we barely saw him. I wouldn’t say it was all moonbeams and sunshine after that, but he definitely started to make more of an effort. It showed, and individualy I know both my husband and I pulled him aside and told him we noticed and that his efforts were appreciated.
He graduated high school and moved out to go to college about 100 miles from where we live. His High School graduation day was pretty rough for us, as he chose to spend it all with his Mother and exclude his Father. Not even a call. When we next heard from him he asked his Dad to pay for an activity he wanted to do. Then later physically returned the graduation gift we had given him. He moved out hardly taking anything and without too much to say. My husband had a really hard time with this, so did I. His Dad continues to lend a helping hand now and again, mostly of an advisory nature. My husband has been asked by our son and sometimes by his Mother, to pay for things, but declines most of the time. There was just hardly ever any apparent gratitude for anything we did, as I see it the boy just flat has an entitlement issue. I hope for his sake he grows out of it, because the real world doesn’t work that way, it doesn’t owe him anything. Our eldest comes around once in a while now. Usually to pick something up he needs or eat something. Things are still strained between he and his Dad, it’s hard to see and even harder for me to keep my mouth shut. To his credit he is doing well in school and is running a small business. It is my hope that the longer he’s away, the more he realizes how fortunate he’s been to have his Dad in his life and that he’ll turn out to be a happy productive person.
Lessons Learned
- Boys are unique in their approach to bonding and in their relationship skills. Bless them. They aren’t very complicated. It is how it is. Enjoy them for who they are. They have a different perspective on and approach to life…remember these are the same people who historically have foght wars, and gone to combat to defend their families and our way of life.
- The teenaged years are rough. Maybe you’ll be lucky and your kids will just sail on through teenagedom with no stress and strain to the rest of your family but I have found that all the patience you can muster will probably be called upon during this phase of their lives. I tell my husband sometimes, no fair! He had the luxury of knowing these kids from the time they were little guys so as they test us, he can think back to what cute little things they were. Me? I don’t have that. I just got pre teen and teen years. No fair!
- I don’t know what it is about these video games now a days but I swear, the war games, the isolation, it wasn’t helping. I would suggest to do all you can to keep your teenager engaged with the rest of the family. I think our son was showing increased aggression due to those games he was playing. I’ll always think that.
- There may be some very uncomfortable times ahead for your Son and husband. Let it happen and butt out. This is male to male relating and teaching that goes beyond the female experience and we shouldn’t try to short circuit it in my opinion. I sense when I should just leave the room, and I think it’s probably appreciated.
- For us, we were willing to go so far, then we knew we just had to get tough. Granted there are some folks who don’t have that second home to tell the kid to pack up and go to if they are making things miserable in yours; it’s called tough love though. They need to get it or face consequences if they don’t. The good of the many outweighs the good of the one.
- It passes. There is light at the other end of the tunnel. The light might shine brighter after they move out.
- After they leave home, you can’t control what happens, and you can’t force the relationship. I like the “boomerang” theory. Let em’ go. If it’s meant to be, they’ll come back around, they’ll figure it out. Try not to give back what you get while they are trying to figure it out either…again, be the adult. It’s hard because that’s what you want to do and probably it’s what they deserve, but someone has to take the high road, and when it comes to your kids, that someone needs to be the parents.
Good StepMom
