Pretty quickly we realized that our relationship was getting serious. At the ages the kids’ Dad and I were, I guess we felt like we didn’t want to go any slower than we did. It was a lot of change very quickly for the children though. All of a sudden there was someone else to consider, me. I know the children felt like the closer they got to me, they were somehow being disloyal to their Mother. That’s a tough one. I had more than one heart to heart, especially with the girls, about the fact that they felt bad. I mean, they “liked me and all” but there was still a part of them that hoped their Mother and Father would get back together. They wanted to know if that upset me. Now there have been times before and since when I have thought for whatever reasons, these children lacked in the consideration of other peoples’ feelings department; but even so, I thought this took a healthy measure of trust for them to talk to me about all this. I’m quite certain because my own Mother and Father were divorced, it has given me a better ability to understand where the kids come from at times. But even if I hadn’t, as I try to do in all aspects of my life, I try to apply the golden rule whenever possible. I told the children I thought it was perfectly understandable and normal for them to feel that way. I asked them if they thought their Mother and Dad had been happy together, and they said no, they fought a lot. I told them no one ever really knows what’s going to happen, but that I was sure their parents had given all this a great deal of thought. I assured them they must have thought it best, that sometimes even people who love each other find they can’t live together; that sometimes in order to be happy, parents decide they have to live apart but I knew their parents loved them very much. I told the kids I just wanted to be a part of their lives if it was ok with them. They seemed ok with this approach on my part.
As we spent more time together I could see, as kids will do, they began to test my bond with their Father by trying, from time to time, to form an alliance with me. Funny story about that, which I’ll tell you later, having to do with being honest…remind me. Anyway, as they would say things like “don’t tell Dad but..or Dad would kill me if he knew but”…I knew I had to nip this in the bud quickly. I didn’t mind being a buffer sometimes with their Dad, after all, conflict resolution is something I’m very good at. I did flat out tell the children that I loved them to death but primarily I was their Dad’s partner. If I could help a situation out then great but I would not withhold information from their Dad if I thought it was in his best interest or theirs that he know it. Shut that down real quick I did. Talk about danger zone! In fact as time has gone on, all three of us parents have come to learn how these lovely young people will occasionally try to manipulate and play us against each other to their advantage and they are very good at it. Heck if we’d believed half of what they have told us their Mother has said and done, we’d have to wonder if she were fit for duty. I give her credit that she thinks the same way on the flip side.
Gradually it happened, I was a real part of things. I found myself running items across town to their Mother’s house because they forgot something and they were going to absolutely die if they didn’t get it right then, picking up a sick child at school, filling prescriptions, taking kids to doctor’s appointments, dental appointments etc. trying to keep up wth their schedules, I was sometimes informed the night before that someone needed 25 cupcakes for a class the next day, money for whatever and I just did it. Did it irritate me at times? Yes, but they are kids so I just did it. I’m sure I NEVER did these things to MY parents!
The first couple of years there were some serious disagreements between the kids’ Mother and Father. Fundamental differences in the beliefs of these two made me think at times, if EVER two people shouldn’t have taken on parenting together it was these two. It did get better but it took time, it almost always took one parent giving in to the other, usually my husband, and what it did not take was my interference. I told both my parents on the phone one day I didn’t realize what a good divorce we all had until I became a part of this one. This had to have been somewhat satisfying to them. I know they appreciated my situation and were there to do what they could should I need a bit of advice, although neither ever had live-in step children so our experiences were very different.
So…as you go through time and everyone’s guard lets down, at one time or another you and your guy are not going to see eye to eye on something. We are two first born children so Katy bar the door! Both of us think our way is the right way and we’re never wrong! Anyway, so do you disagree in front of the kids? Particularly since our kids told me what a hot button that was with them, I think at least for us, the answer is, sort of. We try to take care how we do it. It makes the kids uncomfortable you can tell. When we were fairly new together they really clamoured to try to get us off whatever subject it was we were disagreeing about. As long as you have ground rules though, I think it’s healthy for them to be exposed to the normal ups and downs of a relationship. No fighting and no yelling. These are below the belt. Otherwise, I like to think what we show them is that we love each other, sometimes we get angry at each other and have disagreements, but in the end we still love each other. To me that’s a model for how real life in a healthy marriage is. If we give them that experience, I feel we’ve done them a favor.
And now we come to the big Kahunas, what about religion and politics? Let’s face it, you gotta go there. My guy brought up pretty early in our relationship that he was a practicing Catholic. Hmm. I was raised Baptist. My Dad wasn’t too thrilled but came to accept that I was dating a Catholic! Ha! Luckily we found out pretty quickly we were aligned politically and thank you Lord. The religion issue though…see when my parents were together like 100 years ago, my Mom actually worked for our church as a Secretary (we don’t say Secretary any more do we?). But once my folks divorced, we stopped going to church regularly. So since I was a kid I hadn’t really been a church goer except occasionally. Here this man has all his kids enrolled in Catholic School, going through confirmations and so fourth. I knew nothing about the Catholic religion or even really what made us so different from one another. I respected my new guy for this part of his life and to his credit he never pressured me about possible conversion. He did loan me some books on the subject of the Catholic religion. I began to attend Church when he did, and go to Church functions when they did and I did find a sense of community there I hadn’t felt before. I still haven’t converted, but I imagine some day I might just look into doing it, for the sake of togetherness for my family and my own.
Lessons Learned
- It is helpful if you remember that the kids have legitimate feelings and concerns. Don’t take it personally, if they talk about their Mom and Dad together, in fact if they start sharing their feelings with you it means they are taking a chance, they are beginning to trust you. And not everything needs to be shared, even with their Dad.
- Don’t fall into that trap of forming alliances with the kids against their Dad just to win Brownie points with them. They’ll respect you more and your relationship with their Dad will be healthier if you set parameters. You care dearly about them, but you are Dad’s partner. No secrets.
- Ok…So the kids are going to do things..there will be snacks for school, forgotten gym bags…blah..blah..blah..Allow them to be kids, suck it up and if you must complain, do it to girlfriends, somewhere out, over a Margarita or two!
- If there are disagreements between the kids’ Mother and Father don’t add fuel, listen, be supportive, but don’t fuel them. That isn’t helpful and it’s unflattering to you in the eyes of the children.
- Disagree and you will, but take care that you do it with respect. Nothing wrong with showing the kids what a real relationship is like in fact, it’s desirable,,just mind how you do it. No yelling, no cussing, obviously no physicality, no belittling, keep it above the belt. The kids will appreciate it and learn from it.
- Politics and religion. Hopefully like minded folks attracted so politically you’ll be similar, if not…whoopee! Religion. Some people convert because the other partner is more devout or feels more strongly about the subject. Maybe you’ll have separate religious lives. I know a couple like that and they’ve been married for years. It is an important area to discuss and figure out though. I’d strongly advise having this conversation if you think this relationship may be heading toward marriage. If things are to work out, these are areas you’ll need to explore.
- I lost my Dad a couple of months ago. Man I’m glad I credited him with the way he primarily conducted himself in his divorce from my Mother. Tell your parents when you have moments where you understand or appreciate the things they did. You never know, and you don’t want to leave things unsaid if you can help it.
Good Step Mom
