Your guy’s relationship with his ex-wife will either be ok or it won’t. My husband and his ex-wife have had ups and downs but time is healing things. I have now been in this family for over 5 years and I can say it’s a lot smoother than it had been. This is probably one of the trickiest areas of StepMomdom. How to relate to the kids’ Mother. Here’s the deal. You will never replace her, why would you want to? Don’t want that for yourself, don’t even try. Heck put the shoe on the other foot. You birthed these babies and so ok, things didn’t work out so well between you and their Father. Now part of the time, some other woman whom you do not know and you did not choose, is partially in charge of tending to your children, how scary is that? Because I was a child of divorce and because I have Step parents, I knew from personal experience that it was very important to these kids for me to never bash their Mother. First of all it’s not nice and it’s hurtful. Second, they already have the stress of a divorce, now an unknown entity, a potential Step Mom, do they really need the added complication of Step Mom setting up against their Mother? I think not, most especially if their Mother and Father don’t always get along (and in our case they didn’t). Give em’ a break already! I’m not sure how the kids’ Mother felt, at first, about me coming along. They would tell us not so nice things from time to time they said came from their Mother but I would always take it with a grain of salt. Kids project their own feelings so often when they lack the maturity and confidence to say what’s on their mind, I knew that some of the things they told us their Mother said, she probably hadn’t, these things were often just so mean. I gave the lady more credit than that. I would work on ways to neutralize the comments and to soften them, defuse the negativity if you will. For example, “Mom says that we’re on the way out and soon Dad will start a new family with you”. While to me it was pretty transparent that this was nothing but a child’s normal fears of rejection and replacement, I said something like…well I’m sure you must have misunderstood what your Mom said. She’d never say something as hurtful and untrue as that I’ll bet. So I built their Mom up and at the same time offered the reassurance they were obviously craving. I also made sure whenever possible that when in her presence, I made an attempt to speak to her and to her credit she has always been civil to me. As I said, in our family, and I do include the kids’ Mother in that definition, time has done what time does. The kids’ Mother and I have moved on now to comparing kid stories. At sports functions it’s gone from us on one side of the field and her on the other side, to all of us usually sitting closer together. There are good natured ribbings, like when they lose a game, “Glad you have them tonight…good luck with that!” Later, after we had our baby, again to her credit, the kids’ Mother approached me at a team dinner, coo cooed our baby , which of course was a nice gesture. It was really funny because during this prolonged conversation between me and their Mother, the girls kept looking over constantly watching. I handed the baby over to their Mother, my husband also kept watching too. she and I shared a beer by the swimming pool and just had a nice time. One of our girls, not known for keeping anything to herself said later, that was the weirdest time of my life! I said but isn’t it nice to all get along? The girls both agreed it was.
Not too long ago the kids’ maternal Grandfather passed away. My husband and I both attended his service because it was the right thing to do. Upon dismissal, when the kids’ Mother walked by, we at first kind of awkwardly didn’t know whether to shake hands or what, but instead we gave each other a big ole sustained hug. It was nice. She needed it. These things are just so good for the kids and promote the notion that we are family, all of us. There are still times when the kids’ Mother may do something I don’t completely agree with or understand, I’m sure she’d say the same about me. But we’ve got respect and tolerance for one another. When the kids look back at their childhood I hope they forget the little nit picky disagreements their parents had at times and remember that we all tried the very best we knew how to come together and give them the best possible life we could.
Lessons Learned
- When it comes to the Ex…put the shoe on the other foot whenever possible. She is, after all, another woman. It’s not hard to figure out how she might be feeling about something.
- Always do your best to build her up in her children’s eyes. It shouldn’t be because on the big cosmic score card of life you want the points; it should be about these young peoples’ psyche. She is part of them. If you tear her down, you tear them down. So no matter what’s transpired, “Be the adult” and find a way to build her up to them. When they are older, they will never forget you for doing this. Never.
- Don’t villanize their Mother. Even during moments when their Dad or other family members might be saying something negative, do not chime in. It isn’t mature of you and the kids not only won’t appreciate it, they’ll never forget it and it will reflect poorly on you, not on their Mother.
- Be a team. All three of you. As the kids get older, you’re going to need to be!
Good Step Mom
