How exactly do you fit in? One thing for sure, this man is a package deal, He has an ex-wife, former in-laws, his parents, children, possibly brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews and friends, who were family long before you entered the picture. I’m not telling you anything you don’t know already. The way you choose to make your entrance into this group is important and will follow you for a very long time, good or bad. My advice is this. Listen more than you talk, ask them about themselves, never be dishonest, always speak positively about the kids and their Dad, do not jump on any “bash the ex-wife” bandwagons, and don’t make these meetings about you. They’ll get to know you in time, right now you are just taking in information that you’ll be able to use to help you along. I have found that a mixture of respect for existing relationships, humor and genuine interest in who these folks are has been successful.
Let’s talk about the smaller unit, just you, the kids, their Father and their Mother. Now any man worth a dang will be putting his kids needs above his own. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has done this through the years. Delicate issue is…his commitment in this area is also his expectation for you. The kid’s Dad talked to me very early on in our relationship about this and urged me to give a lot of thought as to whether this was the way I wanted to live. See… when you have the kids from the start, I think you just give up a lot of your wants and needs (or at least indefinitely postpone them), a little at a time. It isn’t gradual, like it would be had you been there from the beginning. It’s all at once. For people like me it just hits all of a sudden…you’re sucked in. It’s sort of like jumping into a moving vehicle. I had a highly stressful professional position, maintained a home, did my gardening, cooked and entertained, took ballroom dance lessons, worked out with a trainer several days a week, worked out every day. I had created a busy life to fill my time to survive widowhood. Little by little I let some of the activities go, I had to. Again this all takes getting used to, but the deal is it happens real quickly. When all of a sudden plans you have made change at the last minute, you spent hours getting ready for a date that gets called off suddenly because one of the children has a fever, you realize starting a relationship with this man is going to be challenging. The private, romantic and special time two people usually have to get to know each other, to fall in love with each other has to take place in little bursts and spurts as life lets it. This takes patience and an appreciation that your new fellow is in the middle. He wants to be with you but primarily and above all, he is a father. Sometimes you might be out, and part of the evening is spent on the phone with the kids or even their Mother due to some crisis that just couldn’t wait. You may arrange a romantic little get away, only to have something change on the ex wife’s end and suddenly you’ve got the kids. I mean its hard enough dating and romancing a new guy, you add all this in, and baby if you can hang on for the ride your relationship was just meant to be. Don’t expect much recognition for all this flexibility by the way. As you prove your resilience and therefore readiness to join in this lifestyle, my advice is to keep your feelings most of the time to yourself, otherwise you’re just going to sound like a complainer and he’s probably going to start wondering if all this is going to work out.
That said, it is also important that as a new couple, you make SOME time for yourselves. The health of your relationship depends on it. I talked to my husband about this many times. He had been a divorced single Dad for a few years before I came along and was just accustomed to complete submissiveness when it came to his own needs and to being alone. He was good about it, eventually though and would arrange little weekend trips whenever the visitation, sports schedule and budget would allow. Heck he even went to Italy with me and my parents for a week one time. This was the first time he’d ever been away from his children. It was a big deal for him and for them! I knew I’d been heard though and that we were on the same page when he began to lock the doors on our off days with the kids, having installed one of those hotel like devices to stop the door from opening even if someone had a key. I took this as his unspoken way of saying, you’re right, we deserve private time too!
Now let’s talk about you. You have your own ways, needs, desires and wishes. You’re entitled to them. This relationship shouldn’t be a one way street. Those things that are important to you , need to be communicated to your new family and they need to adapt too. For example, with me, I needed a certain amount of order in my house (we still struggle), on rare occasion, I like to chill and watch dumb things on TV, sometimes I like to go to antique malls, and sometimes I like to hang out with my girlfriends. I like to cook and I’m from the South so I need for them to at least try things I make. I have certain things I like to do for holidays and I need them to honor those. They give me the things I feel strongly about. I don’t even really have to ask. I think they realize I try pretty hard for them so they give me a break too once in a while.
Lessons Learned:
- Join the family gently, not like a wind storm.
- Realize that he may love you, but he’s a father. You have got to be forgiving and flexible about the kids’ needs or you just aren’t going to make it as a couple.
- Carve out your own time. As a couple you deserve it and the health of your relationship depends upon it.
- Stand up for the things you want and need too. Everyone in the family is going to need to compromise in some way at some time.
Good Step Mom
